Easter, 2019

Easter, 2019

I had just been to the eggstravaganza at church on the day before Easter. It was a beautiful cool day to be out under the trees in the grass. Beautiful Easter dresses on the little girls and the amazing smiles on all the children spoke to my heart. It made me wonder if my face would hurt because I was smiling so much with wonder at their wonder.

There was a 12 year-old or so boy who was running one of the game tables all by himself. Dillon was so interactive, kind and gentle with all the little ones. His energy was inspiring as his servant’s heart joyfully burst from his every action.

Afterwards, however, as I was sitting in a shady spot sipping an iced tea, I began to cry. I was crying, in part, because I am in a different stage of life and my little ones are grown. But also, maybe mostly, because I have been at Grace for 27 years and there I was celebrating Easter without even one of my family with me. My mind filled with doubts and self-recrimination as I regretfully considered what could have been different so that my family would be alongside me here serving; serving independently of my faith having found their own; having found a faith in my unparalleled God who fuels them and bursts from them in service. What has gone wrong?

And then, as is my way, I tempered my regret with thoughts of the uselessness and outright sin of trying to place blame. I reminded myself that I am a godly woman who has lived my life of faith out loud, raising my children at Grace and seeking Jesus to fuel me through it all. I claimed God’s promises: It is God’s gig, I say, not mine. He asks me only to be faithful with what/who is in front of me. He promises to take care of the rest.

Yet, I was still crying in my shady spot, unable to accept my own faith as comfort. With my next thought I was back wondering, Why has it not worked? Why have they not caught a glimpse of God through me that has been so welcoming and authentic that they could not stay away?

In my distress, my tears spilling everywhere, I opened to Mr. Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest:

“Worrying means exactly what this servant implied–‘I know your intent is to leave me unprotected and vulnerable.’”

“Never forget that our capability and capacity for spiritual matters is measured by, and based on, the promises of God. Is God able to fulfill His promises?”

O. Chambers, April 20.

It is a question that God, with blinding precision, used Mr. Chambers to ask me. It was almost as if the Holy Spirit sprang from the page and flew right into me, dispersing my doubt in an instant as I realized the implication of my sorrow.

My heart gasped as God’s truth and the truth of my sorrow was revealed in Mr. Chambers words. I am sorrowful because I am doubting God’s intent and heart. My sorrow sprouting from within an entangling lie. God will never leave me nor forsake me! He will never leave me unprotected and vulnerable. I reject the sorrow of my premise and embraced the new sorrow at doubting my unparalleled God.

This is exactly why we must bring our state of being into God’s light every time. All our sorrows and emotions and questions to the throne of grace where He will reveal His truth in our circumstances.

I do not know the whys and wherefores of my life but I am knowing my unparalleled God. He has told me all along:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

Today, I read this verse with my new eyes and I believe anew that some of the things that shall be added to me will include those I love best. And I know this because He is right beside me lighting every step of my seeking way.

Postscript: How perfect is it that He gives me these new eyes at Easter? Easter when we remember Jesus and His suffering, death, burial and Resurrection; because of Easter, I no longer need to be buried by my sorrow and shame; because of Easter, I can choose to be raised to new life (and eyes) by my God Who pursues me. My God Who came to bury my darkness and raise me to new life so that I might have my greatest need filled, my need to be fully loved.

Happy Easter, my friends, because Easter changes everything!

Anne