Fear

As I pick up my pennies holding them tight in my hand, I fear. I have been so afraid these past days, so afraid of losing Philip. It’s been haunting my every minute of every day. I am being held up by such kindness and prayer. I claim God’s promises. I know His plan is better than anything I can imagine. I know whatever happens it will be alright literally. Yet I hear Philip’s voice with the machines clouding his words and I quiver in the depths of my being in panic.

I don’t know what to do with these paralyzing fears except to lay them at the feet of Jesus in all their raucous bluster; to cry until I’m dry and to fall asleep in the arms of He Who loves me most and then to wake again and repeat the cycle. There must somehow be purpose in giving the fear to Jesus over and over again until the storm passes. And so I repeat: I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief.

Alongside all of that, I wonder, why I insist on living in fear? The Bible says over and over again “Do not fear for I am with you: Psalms 41:10. Yet I can’t but wonder why it is I do fear. I do trust God with Philip and with outcomes. God is good all the time and yet I am so afraid. My friend told me that it was because I am human. She says that fear is not a lack of faith but rather an insight our Father provides reminding us of our frailty alongside His grace. I considered these words as I went to sleep and I awoke with new thoughts. They seem obvious now but her words were the bridge I needed to get there.

I awoke to the thoughts that perhaps my fear is a tribute to God. It expresses the depth of my agreement with Him that He gave me a perfectly fitted partner for my life journey. A precious man who I love deeply and so I fear for deeply. It is a relief to understand that I’m not being disloyal to either God or Philip in my fear, but rather I honor them both with it. I don’t want to fear but I think it’s quite alright that I do. And that in itself helps me to fear less.

“Peace be still. Say the word and I will; Set my feet upon the sea; Til I’m dancing in the deep. Peace be still. You are here so it is well. Even when my eyes can’t see. I will trust the voice that speaks.” ~ Peace Be Still by Hope Darst

Encouraged, Anne

January 20, 2021