The Will-lessness of Illness

Found this from January 12, 2021. I sent it to Philip and he sent it on but I thought I’d post it now. I wrote it about me but Philip felt like it was exactly how he was feeling back then. The Covid fog…

The Will-lessness of Illness

I’m not exactly depressed, more like will-less. No will to do anything. I feel bits of energy bubbling up but more of a curious observation than a will to use. I have lists of things in my mind that need doing but no need to actually do them.I sit out on my back porch listening to the birds, watching the pups play, feeling the cool air…things I once cherished…I try to muster an opinion of anything.

When that charge nurse’s first contact was to reprimand me, something broke inside. I cried hard but then it was all replaced by nothing. I slept for the following two days more or less, off the grid. The world simply goes on whether I’m involved or not. Whether I respond to their cries for help or don’t. It seemingly makes no difference at all to me what my response is.

People ask me what they can do to help. I have no answer. Of course, there are lots of things that could be done if life were regular. I sometimes list them in my mind. Sort of weighing out their importance to life moving forward. None of them are important. None crucial. None possible when you are covid positive. All just niceties I used to increase my own comfort in life. Clean house. Haircut. shower. Comfort Groceries and treats…

Without taste or smell, or will none of it matters, if it ever truly did. I asked a couple people to bring groceries because people want to be useful and kind, want to be valued and I want to value them. (Well, that’s a will-ish sort of thing to say). It’s that which perhaps I miss the most. Having my life feel valued by me and so at times, very few times these days, I seek to give value to others, knowing how important it once was to me. But really how does one do that without attachment to one’s own will?

But I guess what I really need aren’t really things. I need someone to parent Joe, to be kind and skilled to Philip, to motivate Thomas, to befriend Sam, to encourage and cover David and Peter with kindness and love. ‘Things’ I, maybe, did once…don’t know if I quite remember…

Well now, I put my feet down and find my faithful pup there and, at last, I muster a response. Maybe my will is still somewhere inside there buried under layers of headache, nausea, fatigue and…remorse is it?

I am valued by God (dog spelled backwards) because He made me a human BEING, not a human doing. blah, blah, blah.. Nonetheless, I will do (lol) well to remember that until my will to do comes back…or not.

From what I hear, it takes a bit of time to come back from this… I wonder which bit of timing I’m in…Lost in the haze of covid,

Anne

January 12, 2021