Taking the day off

SPOILER ALERT: Depressing zone ahead…

It’s a sunny, blue skied day. Cool and sweet smelling but somehow distant.

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the dogs for a walk around my pond. When Joe was in elementary school 3 years ago, I’d walk them every morning when I walked to school. There was a couple from France who I would meet and chat with as our dogs played. 

I met him this morning for the first time in years. He, of course, had been seeing Philip all the time when Philip ran the dogs. They found out from another neighbor that Phillip was sick and today found out that Philip has passed.

I told him with such nonchalant blahness. If I looked at myself from the outside, as someone else, I would be surprised at such emotional vacancy. I didn’t know what to say except for the facts. I offered a vague ‘tough times’ comment. I could see the lament in his eyes.

I want to be authentic, genuine, not a sobbing sad sack but I can’t muster either.

My boys, my mom, their presence seems a constant pull on me to come back to my life.  Maybe the thing is I’m not so interested in being back in my life just now. I want to be strong for them, to be capable… But not so much today so I’m taking today off to be vacantly depressed. I guess it’s okay. I have, afterall, earned it.

Anne
March 4, 2021