Panic in Room 7707

As I lay upright on my hospital bed struggling to breathe the other night, I wondered if I might die. It was a curious thought devoid of any anxiety or dread. I was actually ok with it. And if I were going to die, I considered what I would want my last thoughts to be. I found that I was surrounded by gratitude and prayed through my list of cherished ones giving thanks for each one…

Then the air conditioning on my hospital floor stopped working. The temperature rose quickly. No overnight visitors were allowed and I was alone. I was too short of breath to get to the door and my fear stampeded into panic. I couldn’t breathe and cry at the same time and I became close to hysteria…my mind flying through options for relief. There were no thoughts of death then only a rocketing relief seeking intensity. I was on high alert with every fiber of my being.

The curious thing is though, that the panic actually opened my airways; that which I thought would be my complete undoing, was the thing that I needed most in that moment. 

After my breathing and the air conditioning were restored, I called my sister who read me the rest of the way into calm. 

I felt ridiculous and fragile but also grateful to be calmly grateful once again.

Anne

July 20, 2021