Muddled

A depth of foreboding sadness has followed me this past month, unrelenting, strength absorbing, leaving me in constant lament when I am alone. I sleep to assuage the burdensome immobility that results. Formless in the void it has made within me, I have searched for words to capture it but none have come.

Is this grieving? Or am I in trouble of losing myself in such a series of unfortunate events? 

I can pinpoint no discernible trigger though for triggers, there are many…  There’s the breakage: truck batteries, flat tires, refrigerator, freezer, grill, A/C, friends and family…

And there’s the flooring project: new flooring installed after 20 years. My workers have been kind and skilled but the prep has been overwhelming nonetheless. 

Today, at last, as the flooring project came to its end, I began to get it.

I am simply desperate for Philip.

It seems so obvious now but my confusing emotions have muddled it all up.

I am strong and more than capable to supervise this project and all the others but the fact, I now realize, is that I don’t want to. 

What I want is Philip by my side. 

Now there’s a trigger I can pinpoint,

Anne

September 28, 2021