My Dot filled Life, #4

My mother is angry when I’m near and angry when I leave. She argues with anything I say and is a blame master. Yesterday, she was sure I wanted to kill her. She told anyone who would listen and was quite sure nobody would believe her because I’m such a sweet person…

My higher self recognizes the process of Alzheimer’s. Her mind is betraying her and it seems absolutely understandable that she would lash out. She lives in a negative, powerless space now and seeks to escape and regain her power by mistrusting, blaming and arguing. I get it. I do.

But it’s my other self that can’t seem to deal; the one already beat down by the world, diminished in health and stamina. I feel like I can’t do the turmoil and conflict in the unending, unpredictable form that Alzheimer’s presents me. Understanding the process does not assist me enough in the trenches. She pierces my heart 50 times a day and I’m having trouble responding with kindness.

Saying that makes me want to explode in a fury of tears and denial. I don’t want it to be true. I want to be better than I am but the cold hard truth is that I am not better. I want to flee from this challenge, from these piling up hardships. I want to hide and be invisible.

So I turn to Scripture to find my way. I was reminded recently of Eph 6:10-12. Our battle is not against each other though it may seem that way.

Ephesians 6:10-12
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power… 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

And my Pastor’s sermon on James 1:2-5 tells us that trials are essential to produce growth in us as we bear up under the strain of them; trusting God with the heavy lifting. Growth’s journey will bring us to maturity and completeness.

James 1:2-5
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Whether He takes me out of it or sustains me through it, it is up to Him. My way will not be found by the power of myself to overcome. My way will only be found in the mighty power of my Lord.

My higher self agrees and cheers on the victory that is ours! But my weakened self wonders if I can even take another step. I hunker down under my blankets and I pray for perspective, for strength, for hope, for wisdom and I wait to see what God will do with my sad sac self.

Trying to remember…
Fearfully and wonderfully made,

Anne
October 26, 2022