Someone close to me has decided that I am not a fit role model for his kids. Though I have tried to understand his concerns, he prefers to hold on to his belief and avoid our relationship.
The loss of relationship with him and the kids deeply saddens me.
Each time I think we are making progress, I am confounded and wounded. It’s a woundedness that runs deep. This struggle often consumes my thoughts, keeping me up at night.
This happened again last Thursday. I struggled to bring my sack of roiling emotions to God and I was caught in the circling thoughts of my powerlessness and regret. In my inability to surrender and release it to Him, I felt like a disappointment to everyone, including Jesus.
Until that night, my church had a Worship night. The first song is below:
Holy Spirit
There’s nothing worth more
That will ever come close
Nothing can compare
You’re our living hope
Your presence, Lord.
I’ve tasted and seen
Of the sweetest of love
When my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone
Your presence, Lord.
Holy spirit, You are welcome here
Come flood this place
And fill the atmosphere.
Your glory God
Is what our hearts longs for
To be overcome
By Your presence, Lord
Holy Spirit, sung by Jesus Culture
Jesus spoke directly to the point of my need. His glory: His presence and His character, is what my heart longs for in all my cycling, messy pain that was trying to overcome my reality.
My need? To be overcome by Your presence, Lord; only then can my heart become free and my circling feelings of shame undone; undone by the truth of Your presence instead by the lies of my circumstances.
And overcome me He did. It was like I was washed clean of my mess, all my angst and shame hollowed out like a butternut squash. The power of the struggle was broken and replaced with soft, beautiful color.
The song to follow was: Praise
I’ll praise when I’m sure,
I’ll praise when I’m doubting,
I’ll praise went outnumbered,
I’ll praise when surrounded,
‘Cause praise is the water
My enemies’ drown in…
Praise sung by Elevation Worship
To praise means to focus on Jesus and away from my turmoil. It is a weapon that drowns out the voices of the enemies of my faith and joy. My cycle of turmoil can be broken and replaced with His peace which, by the way, He promises will surpass my understanding.
And then on Sunday, the sermon mimicked my Thursday night release. The visiting Pastor said:
When troubles come, it is easy to stop listening to God, but it is then that we must recognize God’s working. When facing struggle, He uses it to call us to a greater depth of obedience which will result in obtaining a richer connection with Him.
The Pastor continued with Daniel 3:16:
16 Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego replied to him,”King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if He does not, we want you to know, your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
Daniel 3:16-18
Neither do I need to defend myself in my matter. It is my God, Whom I serve, Who is able to deliver me with His truth.
He went on with 2 Chronicles 20: 15,17:
20:15 ” Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s… 17 You will not have to fight this battle.
2 Chronicles 20:15,17
The King’s army focused on God, and in effect, drowned the enemy in praise while God fought the battle. His abundant blessing followed their obedience.
This battle is not mine to fight. It is the Lord’s. I do not have to fight it in my powerlessness because my powerful God goes before me.
How marvelous! As I tell God my struggle and release it to Him in praise, I deny the enemy access to my body, mind and spirit. It is through this remarkable process, that God takes care of it all as He creates a deeper connection with Him.
I do love it when His plan comes together.
Applauding Anne,
March 3, 2024
Tripping with God: Stories of Faith and Inspiration 