As I sit on the bench in the Muiderslot Castle garden, I pay tribute to you my love. We came here at our very beginning. We were fresh and new to each other and full of wonder as we discovered the castle and the city and beyond together.

You knew you loved me back then but I was too afraid to admit I could be loved. Your persistence and truth, that began here, brought me with you until I learned to believe. Your patience waited until I could love in return. 

The garden is brown in the cold and damp of winter beneath the grey and clouded sky. It’s lush potential dormant until the Spring, a distant memory away. 

I came here to say goodbye and leave you here in the place where we began. I thought I would need some moments alone to leave a teary tribute but am surprised, instead, to find only gratitude.

You did not always love me well but you always loved me and I, you. Our undercurrent of connection never failed, even now. Just as the timid crocus blooms on this crisp, misty day amid the winter bleakness, I remember and my heart blooms in gratitude for the privilege we had in loving one another.

Blessed,

AmsterdamAnne 11/16/2021

Morning:

Look up Anne. See the glory of my creation and let it heal your soul. Listen to the bird song It is Me singing over you with joy and thanksgiving as I see you become who I’ve made you to be. The beauty all around you is just a glimmer of who you are becoming every time you seek My presence and bask in the glory of My creation.

Breath in My fragrance. Hold it in your lungs. Breathe it out. In with My mercy. Out with My grace

Watch the hook nosed white birds in their circle over the water, dancing to the music they make themselves for Me. It is the beauty and the rhythm of life in each wing flap. They touchdown on the water to swirl around again. 

Breathe in.

Breathe out. 

Be still,

And know that I am God.

Afternoon:

I spent the day smiling today in Kampen, Elske’s hometown.

There is Autumn in the trees and winter in the air. Colored leaves of gold and red litter the garden park paths along the river and canals. While the green grass illuminates the in betweens.

Marijo and I walked the narrow stone streets of the medieval city of Kampen. Towering old buildings with bright, inviting shops decorated for Christmas. There are lighted garlands connecting the building tops above. It is a magical place.

Her dad has lived here for most of his 90 years. From his seat in his living room, he regales us with his walking history book tales. He has a way of elevating history from stuffiness to joy and we leave smiling.

AmsterdamAnne

November 17, 2021

Philip I miss you. You would not have gone on this trip with me but you would have been eager to hear my stories. 

Fifty times a day I see something I want to share with you and every time my heart cramps as reality pokes me.  I still can’t believe you’re gone.

I saw a simple shoe horn…cramp

The hot sauce at dinner…cramp

Buying coffee at the market…cramp

Talking about grandpas…cramp

Gazpacho, salsa soup…cramp

Our daily cooks…cramp

The easy conversations about covid are not easy for me. I have been mysteriously devoid of covid fear these past months but I am always wondering why others discuss the possibility of death without awareness.

Even here in Africa I am constantly reminded  your strengths and talents. 

You would have been friends with all of the translators, all of the locals, all of the cooks…like you were in Nicaragua. 

Your wonder at discovering every new animal or rash or food or coffee.

You would have been out there fixing the generator unaware that you were a hotel guest and not a local. 

You would have had a whole soccer game going in the dirt with a tennis ball.

I am left dreaming of my life without you. It is bittersweet. So many possibilities…I know that

God has something for me that could not be accomplished with you and this is hope filling. I know that full well but my heart aches with prospect of not sharing it with you…

TanzaniaAnne

November, 2021

I love to listen to the birds’ song in all it’s variation and melody, the fluttering palm leaves. I close my eyes and gently sway to the rhythm of life. The lush green rainforest falls away from me down the hill and up again on the other side, layers of hills until the green is dimmed and lost in the moving misty cloudcover beyond. 

The feel of cool wind on my face, softly twirling my hair; the smell of the rainforest and fragrance of wet dirt fill my awareness to completeness.

I breathe in deep and slow, pole pole my Swahili rafikis tell me, taking in my last day in Africa.

At the market, I am surprised to realize I have my whistle back. In the past, I have been known to whistle absentmindedly when my soul is particularly at rest and grateful. 

I hadn’t noticed it until today but I haven’t been whistling, maybe since January. Somehow this trip has unlocked my tight hold allowing my inner joy to peek out and whistle.

It has been a beautiful, stretching time this week and now this wondrous gift.

I am blessed indeed.

TanzaniaAnne

November, 2021

We are treated to a safari to end our time in Africa. Yesterday, we saw amazing landscape and animals in Tarangire National Park and today we travel to the Norongoro Crater. It is an immense enclosed area containing aunique ecosystem of animal and nature. Humans are visitors only here.

Serenget NP and Ngorongoro were a combined park in 1950. Soon after, they were split in two.   Maasai we’re given this Conservation area to live and have their herds. I’m told they live side by side with the wild animals but only on the crater edges above.

It is an extinct volcano crater and is considered by some to be the cradle of civilization. 

The first human footprints we’re discovered here. We drive into the park and it cradles us as we climb until we are above and within the rainforest as the Mountain roads climb to the sky . Soon, we have joined the clouds and now travel side by side with them.

Retired elephants cross from one side of crater to the other under massive trees of greeness with vines and moss blurring the tree outlines near the road. The leaves of those near the road are thick with dirt but just beyond in the vastness of the jungle rainforest, dense and deep they are untarnished. 

The wind is brisk with clouds blowing through at eye level, mist in the jungle lushness lending it’s allure to the magnificence.

At the top,  the crater expands before our eyes with the movement of the clouds sitting below in the scooped out valley . There are rumors of a rhino below and we race down to capture it if only in our imaginations.

As we descend, we leave the cloudy freshness and find the sun again. Its light on the leaves dancing with the shadows. 

We switchback 600 metres down to the crater’s edge.

There is a large lake in the caldera and we are told it is a salt lake. Fresh water fed but with no outlet which allows the animals to drink from the edges.

Large craggy thorn trees thrive here with wo inch long thorns in between green fern leaves. I wonder who is hearty enough to dine there.

We see plump Zebras and Elan, Africa’s largest antelope, elephants, wildebeest and 

40 rhinos who call the crater home…an underground spring and abundance of wildlife with water. Some call this secluded self contained valley the Garden of Eden. It is complete with the red fruit from the fig tree. 

In the grassland by the waters edge, zebras, antelope, gazelle, coribastard, buffalo wildebeests, and hyenas graze and drink peacefully alongside each other.  I would like to join them and live in the trees and have a vacation hut in the grassland.

I love the light and shadow on the hillsides, leaves and grasslands. It changes the landscape as it plays hide and seek with the wind. There is magnificent beauty in the contrasts.

TanzaniaAnne

November, 2021

Word of day: Creative

God makes a way where there is no way. He is creative and we are like Him. He gives us Hope.

I have become Mama Annay to Dr. Victor and his family. This causes my heart to leap as my fondest wish comes to me. They have claimed me as their own. This is the family of God as it is designed by Him.

By necessity, today we move our clinic to a future, unfinished hospital building. It is open aired, breezy and spacious. We give out numbers to 100 to the waiting locals which we see by lunch so we give out another 100 for the afternoon.  

I am delighted to see patients today. My first is a 48yo man with abdominal pain. Typically, I do not do urine tests on men but today I am prompted within. His tests lead me to others and we land on a referral for Diabetes.

I see multiple small ones and relish in their sweetness and the sweetness of their parents. Usually, little ones are brought in by their mothers but today I am touched by a doting  Dad and Mom. Dad is obviously so tenderhearted toward both Mama and baby. It is lovely.

I also have the privilege of caring for one of the several centagenerians. She has a wide grin as she holds my hand and the hand of her youngest daughter. Her daughter smiles warmly. I thank her for caring well for her Mama and they both thank me with words, laughter and joy.

I am called away to attend a small 2 yo darling who grabbed a carafe of boiling water from the fire and spilled it on himself.  He has extensive burns on his armpit and leg and has been sitting in his Mama’s lap while numbing medicine was left to work. It is time for a dressing when I arrive. I am grateful that he is sleeping and continues to sleep for most of our work. It is a daunting task but a necessary one as I teach Mama to change the dressing at home. 

The final hour of clinic is spent finding creative ways to see the unnumbered crowds still at the door. After prayer for a spirit of calm, we give vitamins and toothbrushes to 100 or so and do rapid triage for another 100. Our day’s total approaches 400.

It is a flurry activity but we accomplish it all and our spirit of calm prevails.

We end our clinic with joyful, grateful good-byes. It has been a God centered week of trusting and blessing. 

TanzaniaAnne

November, 2021

Dr Victor’s house is out in the country. As we travel into town, life is already bustling. We listen to country music and meet my companions who have spent the night at the Texas motel. A hint of home wherever I go. 

There is an occasional grand tree that begs me to sit beneath it. It’s branches are expansive and lush with affusive orange blossoms that transform the forest all around. Among the dusty brown and green trees along the highway, life is celebrated by this tree. It is a glorious sight and I stop and imagine this tree is Jesus gathering his dusty children, I among them, to Himself.

After a car repair or two down sketch alley, we go to see Namyani  in her hospital room. I left her frightened last night but today she and her Papa smile wide as Sandy and I enter. She has had a blood transfusion and it shows on her face.  God’s gift of this one small, teeth baring smile blesses me with His message that He’s got her…and me. I tear up with gratitude, take her hand and sing hallelujah!

The drive home is warm and bumpy. It amazes me how our driver, Dominic, has such an extraordinary sense of timing. There is no slowing down for obstacles yet they always seem to move in just the nick of time. We run up right to the back end of a slower goat and barely miss an ostrich running at full speed in front of us. I sit in wonder at each near collision averted.

On the horizon, I notice an impressive dust devil. It is a towering swirl from sky to ground. When I arrive home I am told the story of clinic on Wednesday. While I was in Arusha with my kids, my team was doing battle with a sudden, wicked twister of a dust devil. Its sudden swooping launched our clinic tents 20 feet into the air, tossing them like tooth picks into the bush. Our former tent homes were demolished and our people scattered in all directions. The flying debris impaled some and injured others. We are told that people have died from such big and sudden winds and that they are not uncommon. Thankfully our own mini disaster took no lives though it took its toll in injuries, both physical and emotional.

I spent the afternoon with several team members in need of quiet debriefing and rest.

TanzaniaAnne

November 11, 2021

A#8 Wednesday, 11/8/21

The morning is clear and breezy. The smell of the desert’s dust is in the air and there is a tent full of waiting people when we arrive at clinic.

Today I have been asked to take a day trip to Arusha, 2 hours away. I will accompany 3 children who are in need of advanced care. Sandy goes with me and Dominic is our driver.

Dr. Victor is a government appointed doctor and dentist who has joined us in clinic this week. He has made our trip to town possible. He is marvelously well connected. He sat beside me in clinic and made several phone calls to colleagues in Arusha to arrange care. I sat amazed as I realized he called the doctors themselves and they themselves answered and agreed to see my charges. He also gave me his personal phone to assure connection. He is a lovely man with a broad smile and ample laugh. He calls me Mama Annay.

Neema is my oldest today.  I will take her to the Plaster House and her uncle will meet us there.

Namayani is next. She is 10 years old and has severe Anemia. I will take her to a Cardiology clinic for evaluation and probable admission. Her dad will meet us there. And, Saringe is last. He is 9 years old with swollen joints. I will take him to an Orthopedic clinic. His mother and baby sister ride with in the van.

I have been given the front seat of the van with my charges all in the back. Apparently, they honor me with the front seat because I am their elder. I am not so fond of that term but I do accept the seat.

The dirt road to town is washboard bumpy. My seatbelt prevents me from turning around to check on my patients so I trust Sandy will let me know. Poor Saringe has never ridden in a car before and vomits his way to Arusha. When I finally understand, I give him something for it and he finds relief!

The Plaster House is our first stop. It is just outside of town and in the foothills of Mt. Meru. I am stunned at its beauty when I step from the van. There are misty low clouds lazily moving across the green grassy hills. It feel like a scene from Maui. The laughter of children lightly dancies on the wind with a stained glass porch, a butterfly chair and well tended landscapes completing the look. 

It is lovely place in look and feel and we are welcomed. I think Neema will be in good hands.

Next, we take Namayani to her cardiology appointment. The Moyo clinic is clean and bustling. They offer many services but see us quickly. The Cardiologist with whom we arranged care will see her later in the afternoon. Meanwhile, her dad at her side, she will have some tests done.

We leave with Saringe for the Total Care orthopedic clinic. It is quiet with few patients and we are seen quickly. 

It again, offers a variety of services. The Ortho doc is a young, mission minded man who is gentle, skilled and kind. He welcomes me and Saringe and explains his thoughts as he does his exam.  His conclusion needs additional testing which he will send to us but Saringe is free to return home for treatment.

When we return to Namayani she is being seen by the young, handsome, kind Cardiologist. He agrees she is dangerously anemic and advises we admit her for a blood transfusion. He suggests a small Lutheran hospital across town where he practices. 

It is now 4p. I have strict orders to leave the city no later than 5:30 to make it home by dark.  This seems an unlikely goal but we try.

The hospital is old with peeling paint, difficult smells and a room overflowing with waiting grim people. We are required to pay for admit to the ER and the anticipated tests before we can be evaluated so we join the waiting ones. We wait first to receive a number, then to pay, then to be called in for care. Brave Namayani sits quiet and unmoving while Sandy and I negotiate the lines.

While we wait, arrangements are made for our overnight stay in Arusha. This process is as wait-intensive as it is at home and nightfall has arrived before we are ready to go.

I have tried to be a comfort to Namayani without words but it is not until they start her IV that I see her react with any age appropriate fear. I run to her side and hold her with words that I can only hope reassure her with their tone. When they come to admit her, she rises to leave with me and I realize the limitations of my language. She does not understand and is afraid. Sandy comes to her side and tells her what is in store for her but my heart has already broken. How could I have missed the preparation of my patient? I leave praying that God will make a way in the path of my inadequacy.

It has been decided that I will stay at Dr. Victor’s home with his wife and daughters. My charges will stay at the Texas hotel. 

I am greeted by two energetic daughters, 8 &11 who speak excellent English and call me ‘Annay’. We share a meal of boiled fish and they give me a bucket of hot water for my ‘bath’. A little unsure about what to do with the bucket, I wash my face and feet and call it good. It has been a tiring but pleasant day. I am grateful for God’s provision seen and unseen.

TanzaniaAnne

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Our CSI team gathers in the morning and we work page by page through the Restoration book.  I soon find the fundamentals apply to us all. Techniques to calm one’s thoughts and rewrite our own stories through the lens of God’s perspective. It becomes a time of affirmation and encouragement. 

We discuss creative work arounds for those who don’t read or write or have pencils or pens. The discussion started polo, polo (slow in Swahili) but became more interactive. They asked deeper as well as more practical questions. I was impressed with their level of engagement.

Most of our CSI men are Pastors so I was surprised when Philipo asked us an age old question.  He told us he understood what the book was saying but what do you tell someone about God when someone tells you all their cows have died. 

I answered, feeling inadequate, that caring well for one another comes along with meaningful relationships. It is the coming alongside that speaks to a hurting heart.  We may not have all the answers. We don’t always know what God is doing but we can know God and communicate His care through our presence.

It seemed like a question out of left field at first but it is really the message of our program. It is in the relationship that we can feel safe and allow God’s healing to change us.

Philipo appeared satisfied.

The afternoon finds me at Katelyn’s side as she assesses a 16ish yo girl in our CSI way.  Sandy is our interpreter. Neema is her name and she comes to us with burns on her head and body. She is withdrawn and very soft spoken, her voice just above a whisper. Her eyes are down and she rarely looks up. Her hands, unmoving, in her lap. Gently Katelyn asks her questions and slowly we discover her story.

Neema is the oldest of 3 children born to a very poor single mother. Neema’s father left the family.

Neema was given to a man@12 yo and had a baby who is now 4 and in the care of Neema’s aunt. Neema was sent home from the husband’s family when they discovered she had a seizure disorder. At her family home, she has had several seizures, two of which had her falling into a fire causing the severe burns we see today. As an outcast, she is excluded,  rarely fed and beaten regularly. Neema tells us she sometimes retreats to the bush by herself where she isn’t beaten.

Pastor Peter tells us that families of outcasts are simply waiting for them to die. They are a nuisance and a burden. Girls are only valued for the cows they can bring as a dowry and boys are valued for continuing the family line. If either of these goals are unlikely then the child becomes an outcast.

Kelly has heard of a place called The Plaster House. It is a faith based ministry in Arusha where treatable disabilities are surgically corrected/healed. Their hope is for the children to be accepted back into their communities with renewed value. For Neema, we make arrangements to transport our darling there on Wednesday. For her,  it will be a stepping stone to a forever home where she will be valued.