Thursday, September 8, 2022

The water is golden today, smooth as glass as the sun peaks over the shipping yard. Philip and I used to imagine roller blading on heaven’s streets of gold. Since Jesus walked on water, why not rollerblade?

I have had low back pain all week. Chocked it up to jet lag and tried to stretch the muscles  with no effect. Today I did one of the urine tests that I have been doing on so many patients. It turns out, I am not the complete weakling I thought I was, instead, I have a possible kidney infection … nothing a good antibiotic won’t pummel!

Today is a day of pairs. First, one of our CSI volunteers, whom we call heroes, is a young darling who brings her elderly mother-in-law to me. Hand in hand they slowly come, the young beauty leading the older one. She leans in close over her seated MIL and explains with a tender smile that she has come to translate for my translator who will translate for me because her MIL does not speak Swahili. I cannot keep from smiling at the sweetness of this duo and though Mama is shy at first, I manage to coax a smile from her as well. 

Second, a young man brings in his grandfather . The older man cannot see well which is evident by his slow, shuffling walk. The younger one leads him gently by the hand. He is dressed in a long white tunic and wears a yellow box hat, a kufi, on his head. His face is wrinkled and dark, his eyes cloudy but his smile is undeniable. It is such a precious sight.

Towards the end of the day, I am blessed by a small one dressed in a fine twirly dress with a sweater tied around her waist. She is holding the hand of her friend in an equally twirly dress. When she turns around I see that she has an empty water bottle tucked inside the sweater. It is her baby that she is carrying just like the African Mamas do. I am delighted by this exquisite sweetness and light.  

Maybe it is the kidney infection making me more susceptible to my emotions but I am wordless and tearful. There are many difficult things here but this tips the scales to the bright side.There is something so right about the nurturing bonds of community.

Grateful,                                                     Z-Anne-zibar                                                     Thursday, September 8, 2022

Wednesday Clinic, 9/7/22

I start the day recognizing and sitting with the powerlessness of yesterday magnified. Joe has spent last night in the bathroom and he will stay home today with these stomach issues. Sixteen is, after all, an age to get used to😉. I joke to myself but my heart is as diminished as the overcast light of the coming day. The sea is flat though shimmery. I open my Bible seeking to capture a bit of shimmer myself. I open to:

"Be strong in His mighty power"                Ephesians 6:10

My shimmer acquisition lies in the arms and armor of my Savior. I claim His promise of strength in His mighty power and await the return of my shimmer as I trust Him with my day.

People line the length of the school waiting for us as we arrive. The school children are intermingled and wearing blue Adidas sweat pants with marroon t-shirts. Yesterday we had given out 100 numbers to people to return to clinic today. There are more than that here this morning.

I am rising to go to lunch when Kelly calls to me as she hurries out the front door. “Bring a liter of fluid, someone is down outside.” 

Under a tree surrounded by the crowd, I find Dr. Vic, Dr. Ahmed and Kelly hovering over a pale older man who is sitting up and in obvious distress. A chair is retrieved and becomes a makeshift, rather flimsy transport to a small room off the sanctuary.

We suspect he is having a heart attack. He is pale, sweating and breathing crazy fast, while complaining of chest pain. I start an IV to give fluids, and we clamour around him doing various tests and urosepsis becomes part of his diagnosis though we write nothing down. Kelly asks about how to get him to a hospital and we are told that the nearest hospital won’t have what needs…not even oxygen. I think back to a line in the movie The Princess Bride: ” I do not think that means what he thinks it means.” They decide the military hospital will be a better fit.

An  ambulance is called and … then we wait…and wait… two hours later a minivan of sorts rolls up. A young man wearing a khaki military uniform jumps out. After a brisk discussion with Dr. Ahmed, they walk our patient to the van. Dr. A goes with him and begins to rally the facts of the case. I remind him of all, or at least most, of what we did and off they all go. It is a bizarre but bush medicine at its probable best.

I return to my regularly scheduled programming. A concerned young man in a sharp green polo comes to me and he is a talker. Pascal listens but can hardly get a word in edgewise. I laugh to myself and imagine what he could possibly be saying. Every question I ask is answered with a soliloquy.  Today, the providers have been asked to speed up a bit but I lean in and give him the listening ear he so obviously needs.

Shimmering. Z-Anne-zibar Wednesday, September 7,2022

Wednesday Clinic 9/7/22

I start the day recognizing and sitting with the powerlessness of yesterday magnified. Joe has spent last night in the bathroom and he will stay home today with these stomach issues. Sixteen is, after all, an age to get used to😉. I joke to myself but my heart is as diminished as the overcast light of the coming day. The sea is flat though shimmery. I open my Bible seeking to capture a bit of shimmer myself. I open to:

“Be strong in His mighty power” Ephesians 6:10

My shimmer acquisition lies in the arms and armor of my Savior. I claim His promise of strength in His mighty power and await the return of my shimmer as I trust Him with my day.

People line the length of the school waiting for us as we arrive. The school children are intermingled and wearing blue Adidas sweat pants with marroon t-shirts. Yesterday we had given out 100 numbers to people to return to clinic today. There are more than that here this morning.

I am rising to go to lunch when Kelly calls to me as she hurries out the front door. “Bring a liter of fluid, someone is down outside.”
Under a tree surrounded by the crowd, I find Dr. Vic, Dr. Ahmed and Kelly hovering over a pale older man who is sitting up and in obvious distress. A chair is retrieved and becomes a makeshift, rather flimsy transport to a small room off the sanctuary.

We suspect he is having a heart attack. He is pale, sweating and breathing crazy fast, while complaining of chest pain. I start an IV to give fluids, and we clamour around him doing various tests and urosepsis becomes part of his diagnosis though we write nothing down. Kelly asks about how to get him to a hospital and we are told that the nearest hospital won’t have what needs…not even oxygen. I think back to a line in the movie The Princess Bride: ” I do not think that means what he thinks it means.” They decide the military hospital will be a better fit.

An ambulance is called and … then we wait…and wait… two hours later a minivan of sorts rolls up. A young man wearing a khaki military uniform jumps out. After a brisk discussion with Dr. Ahmed, they walk our patient to the van. Dr. A goes with him and begins to rally the facts of the case. I remind him of all, or at least most, of what we did and off they all go. It is a bizarre but bush medicine at its probable best.

I return to my regularly scheduled programming. A concerned young man in a sharp green polo comes to me and he is a talker. Pascal listens but can hardly get a word in edgewise. I laugh to myself and imagine what he could possibly be saying. Every question I ask is answered with a soliloquy. Today, the providers have been asked to speed up a bit but I lean in and give him the listening ear he so obviously needs.

Shimmering,
Z-Anne-zibar
Wednesday, September 7, 2022

Tuesday Clinic and ‘bathday’ 9/6/22

I look out on the sun kissed beach this morning to see brightly clad women having a tug of war. Next to them are three men lying in the sand doing rapid situps, another group pushing enormous tires. It is much like I was doing 16 years ago today as I gave birth to my youngest boy, Joe.
He is here in Zanzibar with me and as always, he delights me with his capacity to love the children and come alonside the adults as equals.

His birthday, pronounced bathday with a swahili accent, is actually a bath day at Pastor Johana’s church. On your birthday they dump a bucket of water on your head. Since most don’t bathe, they get a ‘bath’ on their birthday. Joe has made friends with the worship band drummer and he has promised a ‘Bath’ day for Joe. Because of this, Joe and I part ways for the day as he goes to Pastor Johana’s church and I to the country one of Pastor Lucas.

Already there is a long line of colorful head covered women waiting for us as we arrive at 8am sharp. They sit with unreadable faces until I call out a loud ‘Jambo’ with a smile and a wave. At this, their faces break into beaming joy. It is good to be seen, I think.

There is an equal number of purple uniformed children in the school play yard. The swing set is bent in half though this deters no one. They find a way to swing and climb anyway. The slide with platform on top is crowded with little ones who hang through the railing and swing. When they see I am watching, one boy slides head first down and hides at it’s base as if I would not see him. I call to him and to the others and try to get them to pose for a photo. There is a chaotic scrambling before I am able to succeed.

Farther down the way are an army of little ones jumping in the back of a small white truck. Its bed bounces with them as they chant, sing and dance. When they see me, others join, flinging themselves onto back of the truck like a zombie apocalypse. I fear for their safety yet their dexterity is unparalleled and the dancers, in their exuberance, continue unharmed.

Clinic begins with Dr. Salma at my side. She calls over a older woman and after some animated conversation, Dr. S tells me she prefers to see me. “Ha! What in the world?!” I exclaim as she moves her chair in front of me.

Pascal and I get in a sort of a rhythm. We still have our creative differences when it comes to understanding each other but we’ve got the #1 and #2 thing worked out. He chats easily with every patient and I sit back and let him do his magic. When it seems they have come to the end of their usually spirited conversation, I listen to his report and respond. I feel like I’m in slow motion today as I lean back and consider his words. It must seem like I am gazing off in space as I mentally work through each complaint, ruling out, ruling in…I wonder sometimes what it must be like to watch me.

As I wait for my next patient, I watch two little ones. The older girl (~3years) has the younger boy (~1 year) by the hand as they follow a small red balloon as it floats irregularly across the floor. When they come near it, they both try to kick it and then chase it gleefully with the precious vigor of children. Cheering and giggling, they are a delight to my heart and I marvel at the sweet rightness of this moment.

Nadia, their sister, is my next patient. She has come with her mama and her two siblings whom I have been watching. She is a shy 6 year old dressed in the vibrant purple uniform of the school.

As I am about to exam her, Steve comes over to insure that I have seen her Community Safety form. It tells me that her uncle has boasted that he wants to harm her though he has not yet. This makes me want to vomit and crushes my heart as I become acutely plugged into to my own struggles with powerlessness. This beautiful child so kind, so gentle, so innocent in beauty… I pray Ps 91 over her and myself:
“May she dwell in the shelter of the Almighty and abide in His shadow…for it is He Who delivers her from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence … give her Your angels charge over her, to guard her in all her ways…so that she will not strike her foot against a stone.” (my paraphrase)
Holy One, You are our only hope.

I end the day with a terrified 9 year old boy who had cut his finger yesterday. I have only to glance his way to illicit shrill unnerving sounds of terror. It does nothing to calm him when I pull out saline syringes to fill a cup for wound cleaning. He is quite undeniably sure I am going to give him a shot. In retrospect, it was a poor choice of carrier for my saline though I had little choice.

I wash his finger and put his hand in a bag of cleaner to soak. This calms him ever so slightly as he allows it, albeit grudgingly.

Dr. Ahmed comes over to inspect and decides debridement is warranted. In other words, he needs to cut off a piece of skin. This sends my little friend inti decibel defying torment though we are only holding his hand. The procedure itself is quick and easy but there is no convincing my friend. We try to shield his eyes but he keeps screaming, in Swahili, that he needs to see. He at last calms down to a ragged sobbing as we wrap his finger in gauze and coban, the ordeal over. He does need to come back Friday for a recheck. I wonder if he’ll make it to the door…

My feelings of powerlessness linger and I once again feel like I am in slow motion, staring off in space. I can’t quite wrap my mind around the feelings so I relish the distraction from the stories of Joe’s ‘bathday’.

He was surrounded and loved by team members and locals alike and he ‘soaked’ it all in with a depth that he will carry with him a long time. It is beautiful to see the team rally to his aid. This is the essence of clinic for all who come, teammate and local alike. The gift of being seen, heard and loved.

Blessed,
Z-Anne-zibar
September 6, 2022

Monday Clinic: 9/5/22

Monday Clinic: September 5, 2022

As the sun peeks above the horizon, the waters become glowing with shimmering light; each boat brighter than the next as the sun rises. The silver still waters of the Indian Ocean stretch out like a cloudy glass waiting for the clarity that comes with the rising light of the sun. It is my story today as I, too, await the clarity of my Risen Son, Jesus. We have a grand plan for clinic today and we trust every detail to He Who has sent us.

Pasquel, my interpreter and father of 7, has a thick accent and is as difficult to understand as, I realized, my thick accent is for him. We struggled at the start but the pivot comes when he can not understand ‘poop’. I try my whole arsenal of words but have to resort to asking Pastor Peter to translate. With a quick laugh, we decide on #1 and #2. This helps us to accommodate each other and creates a whole new flow. While I take vitals he starts asking questions so that when I am done, we are ready.

I work beside Dr. Salma, the National District Officer from the government. She is a lovely, young Pediatric resident. Well spoken, tenderhearted and kind, I wonder what her take of me will be. My answer comes quickly as she treats me with respect, gratitude and confidence.

I am the blood sugar and urinalysis queen today; poking and dipping the majority of the patients between Dr. S and myself. So much high blood pressure, urinary tract infections and potential diabetes in the 40years and up crowd. They are so young.

Throughout the day, I watch a tiny walking girl who blasts in at will and kicks balloons and giggles, ducking under the dividing tapes, she is unstoppable. Her long flannel tunic and jeans cinches her whole aura of confidence and command. This simple endearing sight energizes my resolve with the delight of it all.

Towards the end of clinic, a barefoot, tiny, round elderly man wearing a box hat, typical of Muslim men, returns to me. I had seen him earlier in the day. I am with a patient but he reaches over and takes my hands to thank me. It is the sweetest, most tender moment of my day.

It is easy for me to get lost in the long lines and difficulties of my patients. I sort of lose myself sometimes as I put my head down and plug on. It is times like the man above when I am reminded that I am seen and that my contribution matters. The gratitude in this room from my patients, interpreters and leaders is echoed by my own gratitude at being invited in to be a part of God’s work. It is the circle of being blessed to be a blessing to be blessed to be a blessing…

Blessed by the journey,
Z-Anne-zibar

Sunday in Zanzibar 9/4/22

Sunday, September 4, 2022

The Chosen Devotional
“Kindness is not complicated. Our Savior went out of His way to patch us up and bring us to safety despite the great personal cost. Why? So that we might help those who need help and demonstrate what it means to be love.” It may come with personal cost but we, as believers, know that cost has already been paid. We know that kindness matters. It’s why we listen to God’s call and go where He sends. It’s why we have come to Zanzibar.

I love how the rising sun illuminates the fishing boats on the sea before it’s actual rising. They are aglow with the promise and beauty that this new day brings.
The coconut palms flutter in the sea breezes as the dark birds dance on their branches. From our second floor breakfast porch, at eye level, we are welcomed into their living room.

The other day, Joe asked me why I raised my hand in the air when I prayed. He told me I looked like an old black woman in church. Today he got to see me with my real black women in church, arms held high in praise. We had such a praise fest with just enough of an island beat to get me dancing in my seat and beyond. It has me smiling even now.

I sang along making up my own words to mingle with their Swahili. ” What is impossible for me, is possible for You. Fall afresh with Your possibilities.”

Pastor Johana called the team to the front and had each of us introduce ourselves and some of us said more than our names. I thought Joe might be uncomfortable speaking but when it came to him, much to my surprise, he said, “We are living proof that God’s love is everywhere.” And, he was quick to point out that he was the only team member to get applause.

Michael gave the message and beautifully tied God’s story to our own. God is able to come exactly where we are now, alongside each one of us, and help us to rewrite our life stories from here on out. We are not left in our difficulties, we are invited to overcome them through His kindness.

We come to be kind and then receive so much kindness in return. It is the cycle of giving put in place by God, Himself: God so loved the world that He gave..” John 3:16

Blessed,
Z-Anne-zibar

Saturday Clinic Day 9/3/22

September 3, 2022

Zanzibar is cool and cloudy this morning. Soft, ocean breezes greet the day at its beginning as I sit on my third floor veranda and listen, the ocean unseen behind me.

The sounds of the day float easily to my weary ears. Nearby shoveling, rhythmic sweeping, the falling of water. The chitterings of delicate birdsong is interrupted intermittently by the abrupt, guttural cawing of a black crow like seagull.  The bird glides effortlessly on it’s slightly turned up wing tip in striking contrast to it’s scraping voice.

There is a hint of morning fires on the wind, voices below preparing the day as I turn within to do the same. I open my Chosen Devotional and am reminded that Jesus prayed for those who hurt Him. He asked the Father to forgive them “because they were not the enemy He was defeating that day.”

From my perch, I see a Muslim woman walk down the paved sidewalk that borders the yellow walls of my hotel. She is covered in the traditional black floor length robe with a bright turquoise scarf on her head.  In my preparation for the trip, I did some reading. Many of the stories were of the miracle of overcoming the violence Muslim women suffer from the hands of their men. How they were transformed by the message of Jesus because they understood who the enemy was whom Jesus was defeating each day. It is an apt reminder as I launch into all He has for me today.

The Free Pentecostal Church of Tanzania is ablaze with the colors of heaven. The clear beryl of the pulpit, the onyx, pearl and slivery shine of the backdrop with the ruby curtains are made  complete by the jewels that each of us bring. We have been made and called to shine as chosen ones of God Himself. And so it begins…

Pastor Johanna is a tall handsome Tanzanian with a joy that beams from his face and wide grin. He hugs everyone he meets and grasps my hand and holds it as we walk. He does the same with Joe.

It is a smaller space than we typically use but Kelly is, as always, a wonder as I watch her arrange her vision of clinic. To some it looks like a cacophony of chairs but its organized chaos is beauty in it’s execution.

Joe in his independence and other centered gifting has made immediate friends with the children. Miquel, Pastor Johana’s 6-year-old son, is among his most fervent admirers and Joe’s constant shadow. When I cannot find Joe, I’ve only to look for a gathering of children to find the white-haired boy at its center. The thing is, he is also at ease with the adult team members and his ability to connect agelessly makes me smile with joy and gratitude.

We spend our morning at our second church, The 

Free Pentecostal Church and Upendo School. It is a 40 minute drive into the more rural countryside. The church is a large building. Pastor Peter, whom I met last November on the mainland, takes me aside and tells me that he has a vision for his own church. He dreams of a building this size. He is a man of great faith and purpose and I am honored to share his vision.

We prayer walk around the school grounds, escorted by Elijah it’s principal. In the preschool, I see English painted on the walls. The 6 year olds have the multiplication tables on theirs. Elijah tells us that it is a Christian school and 85% of it’s students are Muslim. He says that most of his students pass their exams and the excellent education draws all faiths in.

The air is thick with the school’s cooking fires as two ladies prepare the day’s porridge. On the perimeter are every kind of fruit tree: breadfruit, jackfruit, plantains, mangoes. The old growth large trees with out of reach branches have Joe tossing sticks in the hope of dislodging one for closer inspection. After he steps away, one finally falls and he picks it up asking me to look at what God has given him.

The afternoon is spent in clinic back at Pastor Johana’s church. We don’t usually hold clinic on Saturday but this trip’s timing makes it possible.  At first, I am tasked with taking blood pressures. I have brought a new wrist BP but soon consider that it must not be working as the blood pressures on all my initial patients are so high. It turns out that there are an unusually high number of patients with high blood pressures here.

I begin to see patients with an interpreter that I have inherited from Pat but soon I am called away by Kelly. Three lethargic, pale siblings are brought in by their father. The oldest boy is 8ish. He hardly reacts when I start his IV. He is in obvious distress with labored breathing, cough, skin rashes and thrush. I have him lie down on the couches in the corner while we open wide the fluid.  Tim prays over me and this boy and reminds me of Whose hands we are both in.

The next is his 3yo brother who musters the energy to struggle as I, by the grace of God, slide his IV in and hold on while we fashion a makeshift splint. He, too, is sick but I am encouraged by the fight in him. He sits in his daddy’s lap as his fluid flows freely.

Their sister is the least sick of the bunch but still in need of care. She lays across Joy’s lap for her antibiotic shot and falls asleep while her brothers sleep nearby. They are a brave trio. 

Dinner is spent with Samantha and Obed at Joe’s request. They are a lovely, young couple who are from Kenya where they have a health ministry. Sam is talkative and spirited while Obed is sometimes quiet and reserved. His face, however, breaks into a marvelous, face filling smile when properly enticed. Barb joins us and we dine al fresco, oceanside. Seafood is their specialty and Joe and I feast on lobster with lemon garlic butter “gravy”. It is the ‘gravy’ I fancy and only use the lobster as an excuse to drink it. The Zanzibarbarians have outdone themselves tonight.

As my weary eyes begin to close, I think back over my day. How fun it has been to be part of a team who supports one another in precisely the necessary ways simply by being open to the One Who calls us.

Blessed, Z-Anne-zibar

A (rizona) to Z(anzibar) Begins 8/31/22

On the morning of my departure for Africa, I awoke from a disturbing dream that penetrated my whole self with deep sadness.  The kind of feeling that lingers and oppresses even after waking. 

I tried to push the feelings aside as I gathered myself for the trek to the airport but found frustration after frustration clouding my view. 

I made it to take off but as I sat in my middle seat with my head buried in my neck pillow, the tears came.  I released my dream sadness silently, drenching the foam.

The dream had been about Philip. He was in conference with ‘the General’ and  he had prioritized this general over me even when he knew I was in desperate need. It was this desperate sadness that lingered.

I  wondered about this: “Are You the general, God?” I asked Him. “Could my dream really be telling me that I am mad at You and Philip for being in cahoots together against me?” 

I stopped, my words shouting at me: Against me? Never. As I recognized the lie in this, my tears became my prayer and declaration: Neither God nor Philip are against me. I only feel alone in my own power but thank God, He doesn’t leave me there! 

My God goes before me and after me and all around me and He is more than able to accomplish ALL that concerns me today whether I am asleep or awake. 

Now that is a start I can renew my mind and spirit around. Bring on, Africa, Lord. I think I may be ready now.

"I  am demolishing arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God! I am taking captive every thought in obedience to Christ" so that, that which I may fear in my dreams, I can demolish in my waking.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (my paraphrasing)

Thank You, Lord!

Z-Anne-zibar. August 31, 2022

The Dogs of Psalms 51

I went on a private retreat last week and when I got back I added two guest dogs to my lineup. This  means I had five dogs this weekend: three big ones, one medium and one small. When I took them for walks it was like a clown car with  dogs coming out every door. 

When it came time to take #4 home, I opened the car doors. Two went right in, the little one followed but then the comedy sketch of my life began. #4 wouldn’t go in while #3 was there so I opened up the back to get #3 to move so #4 would get in but while I was doing that #5 went on a walkabout. I got #4 in and went to get #5 when #4 came back out, so I got #5 in there. I went to shut the back and #5 came out again… It went on like this for an undisclosed amount of time and made me giddy with laughter. To top it off, I almost left the one who was going home at my house. 

I tell you this because the whole circus made me laugh and smile like I haven’t for a long time. It was something that would typically push me to the edge of oblivion but today, instead, it gave me delight. That’s when I knew, as Philip used to say, my spark was back.

I don’t know exactly how it came to be but my  Psalm 51 prayer was clearly answered:

Psalm 51:10,12
Create in me, a clean heart 
And renew a right spirit within me
Restore unto me, the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

Grateful and smiling,

Anne
July 31, 2022

Silent Naming

In the Silence, Name Me

By Ted Loder: Guerrillas of Grace page 30

Holy One,

untamed 

by the names

I give you,

in the silence

name me,

that I may know

who I am,

hear the truth

You have put into me,

trust the love

You have for me,

which You call me to live out

with my sisters and brothers

in your human family.

Anne’s Silent Naming
Personalized

You are untamed by the names I give You.
You are so much more than
I could ever think or imagine,
And yet You stoop low
to offer and pursue and name me.

In the silence of this desert morning
with Your sprinkling of birdsong
and leaf whirring
and gentle breezes,
You invite me in
as You name me.

You name me so I might:
Know who I am: and know Who I am is…

“But now thus says the Lord, I AM:
He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
‘Fear not,
For I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name,
You are mine.'”
Isaiah 43:1

Hear the truth You have put into me
that is awakened when I see You move,

Trust the love You have for me:
To Fear Not!
And
To act
As You call me:
To live out my salvation
over the power of sin in my daily life:
With my sisters and brothers
in Your family.

May I grow into my name today, Lord,
according to Your good purposes.
Philippians 2:12-13

Anne

July 27, 2022
A Personalized Guerrillas of Grace