And there it is, words for my elusive unknowing of the weekend:

“Do I speak or keep my silence? How do I tell the difference between righteous indignation and a world colored by the irritation of grief?”

Find completeness in Jesus. 

As I re-enter my life, I realize I haven’t been going as faithfully to my dirt field for my daily walks with my penny dogs. It’s clear that my perspective changes when I don’t plug into my power source. 

I still melted down before but then I was finding hope in the struggle as I focused on Jesus. He took the edge off it. Lately, though, I’ve been living under my circumstances instead. 

You know the old joke: 

One friend ask the other how she was doing and she replied, “Okay under the circumstances.” The friend answered back, “What are you doing under there?”

It is good to lament and cry and meltdown; to express all that is in my heart, but it is also good to trust the stability that Jesus gives so that I am not left there.

So, I’ve decided to take a few days off by myself while Barb will keep the home fires burning…

Anne

March 9, 2021

I am cranky and bothered. I can’t wrap my head around issues that melted me down yesterday. Issues that rile up my sense of fairness in the lives of those I love. I feel my discontent rising, expanding, clamouring for a voice…

Do I speak or keep my silence? How do I tell the difference between righteous indignation and a world colored by the irritation of grief?

And Jesus replies:

“LET ME HELP YOU through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence.”

(March 7: Jesus Calling)

And His truth begins to set me free.

Anne
March 7, 2021

When I write and share my story, raw as it sometimes is, my intent is to focus on the process of grief and not on the details of my circumstances. I can see how the details distract and become the story but that is not the intent.

The circumstances of my life are the canvas, if you will, on which to paint a deeper, inner unfolding. They are a means to explore what it means to be the one who survives in the age of Covid and loss.

Please see my heart. I don’t write to condemn myself or others along this path. I write to bring light and authenticity to both the ugliness and  the beauty of the journey.

Anne

March 7, 2021

I was consumed by my fear today. It was the first time I have seen my kid express any negative emotion since his dad’s death. His discouragement penetrated my own weakened defenses and I crumbled. Coming face-to-face with the reality that I am not a dad and never will be, made my world shake and fall.

Much to my dismay and, as is so often the case, instead of feeling the intensity, I covered it up with anger. My words were harsh and unkind and I ask all of you to accept my apology. 

In my misguided cry for help, I did have a champion.  He didn’t give me any of the words I deserved, but instead he simply told me that today would be okay.

It’s exactly what I needed to hear to move past my upending fear and believe; believe in the possibility that today could be okay and my family and me along with it.

Anne

March 6, 2021

I woke up feeling… able. Glorious morning. Got to baseball early, ran the well behaved dogs, was in my seat for first pitch. But it soon became clear what a trembling illusion it all was. I didn’t realize how heavily I’ve been counting on the strength of my sons to carry me through.

When coach blew up at my kid for being called out at home after an almost successful slide, it threatened my able-ness. My kid’s discouragement penetrated my own weakened defenses which only worsened when another player seemed to execute the same unsuccessful slide at home and was congratulated for his effort.

Philip would have told me I was overreacting and maybe I am but what am I to do? My own hold on reality is so tenuous what must it be like for Joe? He has a coach who, at best, is puzzling, in an angry sort of way, and he has no dad to hash it out with…

And, oh yeah, the target on the back of my head is fully activated. Another errant baseball  missed me by just a few feet. I need to get my helmet on…

Anne

March 6, 2021

SPOILER ALERT: Depressing zone ahead…

It’s a sunny, blue skied day. Cool and sweet smelling but somehow distant.

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the dogs for a walk around my pond. When Joe was in elementary school 3 years ago, I’d walk them every morning when I walked to school. There was a couple from France who I would meet and chat with as our dogs played. 

I met him this morning for the first time in years. He, of course, had been seeing Philip all the time when Philip ran the dogs. They found out from another neighbor that Phillip was sick and today found out that Philip has passed.

I told him with such nonchalant blahness. If I looked at myself from the outside, as someone else, I would be surprised at such emotional vacancy. I didn’t know what to say except for the facts. I offered a vague ‘tough times’ comment. I could see the lament in his eyes.

I want to be authentic, genuine, not a sobbing sad sack but I can’t muster either.

My boys, my mom, their presence seems a constant pull on me to come back to my life.  Maybe the thing is I’m not so interested in being back in my life just now. I want to be strong for them, to be capable… But not so much today so I’m taking today off to be vacantly depressed. I guess it’s okay. I have, afterall, earned it.

Anne
March 4, 2021

I’m tearful, tired and troubled today. Buried under a mountain of paperwork with teeny tiny words. My to-do list mounting an unrelenting attack. My head hurts. My heart aches. As I look for a way out under my covers, I am reminded of:

Matthew 11:28

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

and Acts 23:11

11 That night the Lord stood near him and said, “Take courage!”

“Come,” my Savior says gently, “you need not walk this path alone. I will come with you.” “Lean on Me. I will give you My courage for the journey and you will be all right. I promise.”

(Paraphrased by me)

Leaning, sprawling really, on the promises of God, my Savior, my only hope.

Anne

March 3, 2022

So it’s all said and done. People have surrounded me so completely with such blessing; a thorough outpouring of the sweetest grace. They have held me up.

But where do I go from here? I’m tired and dry. Dry of both spirit and thirst. The haze of the baseball field lingers still.

I guess I could begin by taking Joe to school. Walking my dogs in the field. I could make a plan for making dinner. That’s something I haven’t had to do this entire year. I could kneel down in the dirt to pray even when I have no words…

As I kneel, wordless, my pups come running from a distance, persistent in their interruption, nudging my hands and bowed head as if to bring me back to truth. I am not alone though the dryness and fatigue of grief lead me away.

I am loved. Perhaps I need to rename my pups my precious Pennies.

I walk out of my field with a spring in my step…

Who am I kidding? There is no spring but my dryness is watered and that is a beginning.

Anne

I am so unfocused today, overwhelmed easily, on the verge of confusion. I felt competent at home until a chair fell out from under me planting me hard on the tile floor. It appears to have shaken loose my tentative grip on reality and on controlling my dogs. What was easy yesterday became untenable today as they ran on the baseball field in the middle of a game.

Like the cool wind blows the air and the invigorated dogs run every which way., So do my thoughts and emotions. I am as flurried a  mess, as they are a furried one. Thank God for Marijo who is keeping me steady.

Of course, I just got hit in the back of my head by a flying errant baseball so we’ll see how that goes…

Anne

February 28, 2021