Winter, it seems, has come to Arizona. I find I need a coat, a hat and earmuffs in the crisp wind. As I walk my pups, Zegan’s one ear is blown up by the wind as he smiles his way through the smells. The pups find it invigorating and if I’m truthful so do I.

Now that I have been released from my constant fear, my mind turns to more practical things like taxes. It’s funny how you just don’t talk about some things. Like how do I get his W-2 form from the VA when he usually prints it out? How do I get hold of his staff at the VA to tell them why he is silent? Those contacts are in his phone… I guess it is always a bit inconceivable that you might lose each other.

Nonetheless, taxes seemed doable today but now that I say these things out loud perhaps I’ll just watch my dogs frolic in the blustery wind instead.

Anne

January 25, 2022: early morning

Yesterday, I had been dreading the intubation possibility but once it had occurred, I became sort of silent inside. Fear subsided. Little energy for that anymore as the deep achiness of fear drenched days were replaced by fatigue, I thought.

But I realized today, much to my own surprise, that I am not silent inside but rather calm instead. Though I feared and dreaded intubation, Philip can rest now. He remains intubated and sedated but no longer paralyzed. He is resting easily and somehow so am I.

Anne

January 23, 2021

With thoughts of intubation this morning, I took the dogs out into the sunshine to a wide open field where they ran happily quite a distance away. When I knelt to pray in the dirt, head down, tearful and afraid, suddenly there were my pups surrounding me like prayer, like angels, like Jesus Himself kneeling with me there in the wide open field of dirt.

My pastor talked about being pressed down crushed in the context of the early church. The church at Smyrna was being persecuted for their faith and as a means to get them to renounce they were laid on their backs and a large rocks were placed on their chests. Subsequent rocks were added until either the subject recanted or died from the weight. It may be a poor choice of analogies when Philip can’t breathe but I can’t help but think another stone has been placed on my chest today.

Nevertheless, I have no need to renounce or recant because my God kneels with me in the dirt and bears these rocks for and with me. And many times He does it through friends, furry and otherwise.

Anne

January 22, 2021

As I pick up my pennies holding them tight in my hand, I fear. I have been so afraid these past days, so afraid of losing Philip. It’s been haunting my every minute of every day. I am being held up by such kindness and prayer. I claim God’s promises. I know His plan is better than anything I can imagine. I know whatever happens it will be alright literally. Yet I hear Philip’s voice with the machines clouding his words and I quiver in the depths of my being in panic.

I don’t know what to do with these paralyzing fears except to lay them at the feet of Jesus in all their raucous bluster; to cry until I’m dry and to fall asleep in the arms of He Who loves me most and then to wake again and repeat the cycle. There must somehow be purpose in giving the fear to Jesus over and over again until the storm passes. And so I repeat: I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief.

Alongside all of that, I wonder, why I insist on living in fear? The Bible says over and over again “Do not fear for I am with you: Psalms 41:10. Yet I can’t but wonder why it is I do fear. I do trust God with Philip and with outcomes. God is good all the time and yet I am so afraid. My friend told me that it was because I am human. She says that fear is not a lack of faith but rather an insight our Father provides reminding us of our frailty alongside His grace. I considered these words as I went to sleep and I awoke with new thoughts. They seem obvious now but her words were the bridge I needed to get there.

I awoke to the thoughts that perhaps my fear is a tribute to God. It expresses the depth of my agreement with Him that He gave me a perfectly fitted partner for my life journey. A precious man who I love deeply and so I fear for deeply. It is a relief to understand that I’m not being disloyal to either God or Philip in my fear, but rather I honor them both with it. I don’t want to fear but I think it’s quite alright that I do. And that in itself helps me to fear less.

“Peace be still. Say the word and I will; Set my feet upon the sea; Til I’m dancing in the deep. Peace be still. You are here so it is well. Even when my eyes can’t see. I will trust the voice that speaks.” ~ Peace Be Still by Hope Darst

Encouraged, Anne

January 20, 2021

I’ve read an article today on incivility in the workplace among nurses. How a year’s worth of high alert pandemic may be translated into bullying and other uncivil behaviors. Incivility is defined as “lateral violence, horizontal violence and bullying”. “Any behavior that is intended to humiliate, demean or diminish and leads to a power relationship where the abuser seeks to control the victim.” I would add that it is intended by the abuser to take control of untenable feelings of powerlessness, aggravated sadness and a sense of whole-hearted doom. It’s effect can be devastating to the victim but I suspect there is a degree of devastation for the abuser as well. A hidden cry for help, perhaps. I was a victim recently of a charge nurse tasked with taking care of my Covid positive husband struggling to breath. My first contact with the hospital and his care team 7 days into his care, was by this charge nurse. She called to reprimand me for the behavior of a friend who had called concerned about my husband. I had to interrupt her rant to ask how he was doing. She said she wasn’t his direct nurse so she didn’t really know. She then continued to berate me for the behavior of someone else.

I myself am Covid positive and struggling on many levels at home. I was not up to the task of responding well to her. Her words shook my confidence in the staff caring for my family. It was that confidence that was carrying me through so you can imagine my struggle when I couldn’t trust he was being taken care of well. When I was a kid at night in bed, I would lie as still as I could possibly manage trying to make my breath imperceptible because I imagined that Dracula would visit me and if I had any sign of life he would take me away.

I thought about that today as my headaches and nausea bear down on me. Ever since that nurse reprimanded me, it has been as if I have been managing to lie as still as I can so that evil won’t take me. If I can shut down just enough, the life sucking Dracula will pass me by. At least, that is what my vulnerable, little girl self thought.

Perhaps prolonged illness and the stress it brings peels back layers of competency that have accumulated over the years leaving only a vulnerable little girl lying still, praying for intervention. I imagine that charge nurse is that little girl as well.

Inaction, however, is not the needed response to suffering. I would plead with us all to bring encouragement, kindness, and understanding to this world crying for help. If a charge nurse is up to bullying the sick, who else among us must be struggling as well? All those words to simply say: Kindness matters. So BE KIND.

Please.

Anne

January 17, 2021

Such an abundance of prayer and support, it is as if I entered the eye of my own storm to the stillness of peace in the center of the chaotic whirling around me. I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me… especially when He does it through pennies and prayers.We are blessed in..deed. Thank you

Anne

January 20, 2021

We’ve traded chemo for covid this week. And just as I giving into the ebbing of my lowest ebb, wondering how much more I could take with my head hung low, I began finding random pennies in my house. The first was on the living room floor right in the center. I picked it up. When Philip finds a penny, he says it’s God’s way of reminding him of its inscription: IN GOD WE TRUST. I remember thinking I needed that reminder just then. As I walked in through my bedroom I found two more pennies. Another in the bathroom. Another by the washer. Who knew my carpet was full of such timely treasure? Funny how truth can come in the sometimes smallest packages right at the point of my need. Thanks, God! Can’t do this without You!

Anne

January, 2021

Never Lost
Written by Christopher Joel Brown, Steven Furtick, Tiffany Hammer:
Your hand is moving right now
You are still showing up
At the tomb of every Lazarus
Your voice is calling me out
Right now, I know You’re able
My God, come through again…

****
I’m just sitting with these words today. Willing them to wash over me and defend my heart with His truth. It feels like I might be torn from His hand, so sitting, drenching in His presence to steady my circumstantial world until I can breathe again.

He is my only hope. Now is not the time to forget, weary soul. He’s got you.

AMRB

September 1, 2020

I’m having shoulder surgery today. An excellent reason for a visit to the Trouble Tree. Come with me?

Anne

July 24, 2021