Help me listen

By Ted Loder: Guerrillas of Grace page 31

Oh Holy One,

I hear and say so many words,

Yet Yours is the Word I need.

Speak now,

And help me listen;

And, if what I hear is silence,

 Let it quiet me,

Let it disturb me,

Let it touch my need,

Let it break my pride,

Let it shrink my certainties,

Let it enlarge my wonder.

Help Me Listen

My Personalized Guerrilla of Grace

The desert air, moist from the rain, hangs heavy around me like a soft cushioning 

amid the pummels of my sobbing.

Tears of joy and gratitude and unshaped sadness mixed together and separate 

in a whirling of wordless wondering.

I anticipated that the poet’s silence would be from God albeit for His purposes.

I did not expect the silence to be in me.

I did not expect it to be made of tears,

a wordless forming of currents deep,

cascading waters from a hidden,

unknowing depth I did not perceive.

From my own silence, my heart overflowed; 

wave after wave, moving up and out,

in rhythm with God’s Spirit within me;

A complicated silence that caught my breath

 as it emptied me.

And, somehow, this silence of mine 

accomplished all of God’s purpose:

I am quieted, 

washed 🫧 clean, like the desert after rain.

I am disturbed, my pride broken, 

by the unexpected, uncontrolled 

shrinking of my preconceived certainties.

My need,

though formless and void and without sound, 

springs forth taking expression 

as it enlarges my wonder 

at this new thing done.

It is the becoming of Isaiah 43:18-19

“Remember not the former things,

Nor consider the things of old.

Behold, I am doing a new thing;

Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”

Help me listen and hear and perceive,

O Holy One.

Anne

July 28, 2022

A Personalized Guerrilla of Grace

I Need to Breathe Deeply

By Ted Loder: Guerrillas of Grace page 28

Grant me an ease

 to breathe deeply of this moment,

this light,

this miracle of now.

Beneath the din and fury 

of great movements and harsh news 

and urgent crises,

make me attentive still

to good news,

to small occasions,

and the grace of what is possible

for me to be,

to do,

to give,

to receive,

that I may miss neither 

my neighbor’s gift

nor my enemies need.

Breathing Deeply

My Guerrillas of Grace Personalized

I begin by breathing deeply.

In this miracle of now 

within the light of the falling day

 in the desert of this center for renewal, 

grant me an ease to breathe deeply of You.

Beneath the din:

of grieving prolonged, of fears recurrent,

 of patterns of fatigue, of implacable pain;

Beneath the fury:

Of relationships strained 

and misunderstanding’s grip, 

of my own lack of authenticity 

and recognized purpose, 

of inadequacy believed 

and of triggers unchecked. 

Of urgent crises unspoken.

Make me attentive, still:

To the good news:

 You pursue me to welcome me

So that I might bring small occasions 

and every other,

 boldly to Your throne of Grace.

The grace of what is possible:

For me to be, 

when I am in Your presence,

For me to do,

when Your presence refocuses my eyes 

and realigns my heart with Your intentions.

For me to give,

back to You in gratitude 

realized and released.

For me to receive,

Your power to become 

the person of action I am called to be

 in I Peter 1:13,

So that I might not miss either 

my neighbor’s gift 

nor my enemy’s need.

This is my songful prayer to You.

Anne

July 26, 2022

A Personalized Guerrillas of Grace

To the First Century and Beyond

My sister, Sally, and I took an adventure into the 1st century this week. We flew to Midlothian, TX to join the cast of the tv series The Chosen in the filming of the feeding of the 5,000. Recorded in the Gospel of Matthew 14:13-21, it is the only miracle of Jesus, along with the resurrection, that is recorded in all the Gospels. It is proof that God can, does and will use the ordinary things we bring to Him to reveal His extraordinary truths in  our lives. 

He’s been especially leading me in just such ways this past year so to be a small part of bringing this truth to life is a profound, soul refining blessing.

Our day began at sunrise as we donned our 1st century costumes complete with a covering of our uncharacteristic blond hairs. After satisfying our Screen Actor’s Guild requirements, we, and the lot of our new friends, were bussed to a Salvation Army camp. 

Before us was a large field; the dry yellow grasses moved in unison with the hot, humid breezes. The sky began overcast, shielding us from the scorcher it promised to be. The crew anticipated our needs as Jesus did all those years ago. There were tents for our 21st century feeding, for shade, for photo ops, for entertainment. Umbrellas and hats were plentiful  in anachronistically odd contrast to our costumes. 

We were filmed in waves: some waiting at basecamp and while others making the trek over the hill to the filming site. At the filming site, we were spread out in family groups complete with our overseeing Roman Guards on horseback. The crew mingled in and around us, instructing and staging with large cameras on cranes placed strategically. Dallas Jenkins in a turquoise t-shirt directing it all with the cast off to my right. There, life-sized, were Jesus, Simon, Judas, Andrew, and Big James, to name a few, gathered under umbrellas, holding paper drink cups, smiling and laughing as they waited, as well, for their cues. It was strange and beautiful all at once.

Several scenes were filmed, mostly short snippets that culminated in the feeding. The disciples gathered in a huddle which expanded into a circle of hand raising joy as they witnessed the miracle. They then rushed into our crowd to deliver it. I, myself, was handed a piece of bread by Andrew as he called out “only 4000 more to go!”

Though it may have been hot and uncomfortable, I was filled to overflowing, like the fish and loaves baskets, with gratitude.

What a privilege and an honor and a thrill to be part of the show that proclaims the name of Jesus in authentic, tangible ways. #F5K.

Anne

June 8, 2022

So I woke up at 4:30 in the morning the other day and decided to clean the garage during the cool of the almost day.  I made a good inroad and was proud of my work. It was a hopeful spot in a string of discouraging days. 

You see I’ve been awarded my VA annuity at last. At first, I was giddy but as this year and a half of waiting comes to a close, I recognize I’ve come to a crossroads. 

Up until now I’ve had only to dream about how I would redefine myself, but now it seems the time to get on with it has come. No more waiting. I need to embrace my new reality.

Instead, I’ve been mired down in such melancholy. It seems I don’t want to move on. I still want my old life back.

I haven’t been able to escape it; my low energy seeming to ebb lower and lower. Just as I considered that it couldn’t get much lower,  I awoke to find that my car wouldn’t start again. It needed a jump for the umpteenth time. The thing was that I had driven it face-in into the driveway and my new jumper cables weren’t long enough. 

As this ridiculous timing’s frustration began to collapse in on me, I was reminded of a set of heavy duty  jumper cables that I found while I was cleaning the garage a few days before. They were just long enough to get the car to start so I could get it to the repair shop where, for the third time, they replaced the battery and I drove it home.

It just made me think about God’s ridiculous timing. 

At my lowest ebb, He gave me a problem to solve and preemptively gave me the tool that I needed to solve the problem. But more than that, He did that to invite me back into my life.

It was ridiculous timing, ridiculously cool as it turns out.

And it was all a gift to show me that it’ll be okay. I will be okay. I can do this moving forward thing with Him, one baby step at a time.

I may still be low ebbing but the tide is definitely coming in…

Grateful,

Anne
June 3, 2022

I had a reiki session today. My Reiki darling asked me to set an intention for the session. She told me that I might get very emotional which is what I actually was looking for. I asked to release my grief about Philip and Uncle David. 

I wanted an outward expression of our loss. An explosion of emotions would do just fine.

Lying on the exam table, I did my measured breathing, attempting to relax with intention. The session was lovely but the release I thought I needed didn’t come.

She told me that I have a very peaceful energy and a lot of light around me. She said I was very open and peaceful and calm.

As I considered her words, I wondered. I perceive grief as darkness to be released but maybe, instead, it is light to be welcomed.

Could it be that to embrace the love which is at the center of the grief is to be empowered to endure?  It may lead to an outward release but it begins with an inward acceptance.

And so perhaps my Reiki intention was accomplished after all.

What if grief is not darkness. What if grief is light?  A gift with which to see…

Anne on Long Island

April 7, 2022

It is quiet here. There is no wind to lend its fragrance to the air. The sky is pristine and unmoving; I hear no birds or activity; all is hushed and still. 

The solid branches of the cork oak easily hold up the trouble bundles hung around the tree. It’s trunk is strong and mighty and gnarled with growth, the cork just visible beneath a break in the bark.

It is a lonely place and I sit on the old wooden bench beneath it’s impressive towering to think.

My thoughts swirl around me. I open my devotional and read:

“Do you want to be healed?” Jesus asks the lame man.”

John 5:2-9

So I ask this of myself:. Do I want to be healed?

I struggle with this concept. It is somehow not the right question.

I think of healing in terms of sickness. I am sick with grief, I suppose, but is grief really something to be healed?  

Is it a wound that can be fixed? A disease to be corrected or reversed to a prior state of health? A condition to be cured?

If grief is a response to deep love then these healing definitions have no part in this.

What if instead, as Webster says, healing is restoration?

My world has been upended and has flown apart. It is in need of restoration; a putting back together of my various parts, restored to wholeness, to Shalom. It is a definition that could work…

I read further

“In the gospels, lonely isn’t a condition; it’s a place.”

Luke 5:16 from The Chosen devotional vol 2

Perhaps grief is less of a condition and more of a place.

What if restoration is not found in the healing of a condition but in the transformation that comes from meeting with Jesus Himself.

He transforms the condition left by grief into a meeting place with Him because He knows how the flying pieces fit back together into His new creation. He knows what new life awaits.

It is in this lonely place beneath the Oaken trouble tree that He meets me today. He takes my hands in His own and with overflowing compassion in His eyes and in His touch,

He asks: “Do you want to be restored?”

Why, yes. I think I do.

Anne

February 25, 2022

Under My Words

Under the layers of my competence lies my shivering.

Deeper still is my shriveled self, frozen in time…and maybe space

I long for a melting away of coldness.

I long for the dawning of spring, the promise of summer and the inviting embrace of my life again

I long and I wait… beneath the down comforter and soft blankets and I remember.

I remember  the warming tenderness of my Savior’s arms,

And I thaw into being once again.

Anne

February 15, 2022

In my isolation chamber, I worry. I hover over all that concerns me today and yesterday and tomorrow. And I immerse myself in the troubles and the feelings and my own tears flood my chamber as they threaten to overtake me.

But just as I hover over such, the Spirit of God hovers over me and my waters as He did at the beginning right before creating.

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

Genesis 1:1-2

And this hovering breaks open my isolation chamber and my waters drain out and there is light in my darkness. 

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. 

Genesis 1:3-4

And with this Light, I emerge from my chamber alive with light that the darkness cannot overcome.

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God,and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 1:1-5

He hovers over my need even before I seek Him. He hovers and separates me from my darkness as He creates His light within me.

I step out blinking in the Sonshine, now ready to grow into the new creation His hovering is restoring.

It is a new day and it is good.

Anne

January 31, 2022

The sun is just setting behind the hills of Prescott. The warm, intensity of the golden reds and pinks blend in beauty upon the waning sky filling me with the soft brillance. And a brilliant day it has been.

I sit behind Pilot Joe in Ricardo’s four seater plane, I wear official aviator headphones with mic and swell with my new pretender role as imposter pilot. I sit amazed as I listen to my two pilots talk to the tower and each other. Such pilot-eze so easily and rapidly spoken, takes me a minute as I try to recognize the meanings.

“I’m just going to let you do this,” Joe says to his mentor as we wait for another aircraft on final approach. Like a bright evening star, it appears, unmoving straight toward us.

Ricardo answers without a pause, ” Yes, except you have the only working brake.” “Oh… yeah,” Joe laughs  as he continues the pre flight checklist. 

Take off is smooth and the constancy of the partnership flight instruction makes me smile. 

Ricardo has a careful comforting way of teaching, always calm, informative and conversational. Joe accepts it all with his signature confident, fearless self.

The pinpoint lights of the earthbound towns and downhill, snakelike Phoenix traffic flicker below. It is all beauty in motion.

“I’m just going to pull up a bit to keep steady” Joe says and receives an approving nod from Ricardo. 

“This is 2189er November southbound to Phoenix”, I hear Ricardo respond to an inquiring Control tower disembodied voice. After some back and forth, “We are not cleared for Bravo,” Ricardo says. “They’ll tell us when we can begin descent.”

And just like that, as night descends so do we as we return back into hometown airspace.

I love to fly, always have, but today it takes on a whole new depth, or height, I suppose, as I take my first son powered, mother of the pilot flight.

It has been brilliant indeed.

Anne

January 28, 2022

I began the year with a friend’s question. She asked me what my one word would be for the coming year. After a bit of thought, I decided on Wonder. Looking forward with wonder at how God will work in my life this year. 

“And amazement seized them all, and they glorified God and were filled with awe, saying, “We have seen extraordinary things today.”

Luke 5:26

I decided to be on the lookout for seize-ures.

I wrote that at the very start of the new year but now as the bleak midwinters deepens, I have been seized by a different sort. A falling away into withdrawal and isolation and the silence it brings as I am overtaken by the toiling fear of last year.

This first reckoning wraps itself around me with its tight impenetrable, implacable bonds.

My heart is full of sorrow and my limbs gather it together in my joints. I am slow to move, to think. I ache with its longing and seek refuge in sleep. As I acquiesce, I begin to understand that it is only time that will ease this river’s relentless current. I need only lie still in His double grip until it runs its course and, at last, vomits me out on riversedge, downstream. It is then, perhaps, that I, sputtering, will discover  the courage it’s passage has wrought within me and allow wonder to begin again. 

Anne

January 13, 2022