“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen”.  Ephesians 3: 20-21

The girl woke up with an oppressive headache and a more oppressive, depressive irritation in her core. She wanted to crawl out of her skin, to run and hide until the fury within her passed. She was going to hide in her bed where the world would be safe from her, but instead she decided to go with her original plan despite the inner turmoil. She decided to go to the zoo. 

In her past, she had been known to take a time out from life by visiting her local zoo.  She decided to ‘resurrect’ this idea in these days before Easter.

Her church was taking time for prayer and fasting. Abstain to obtain: Abstaining from something with the goal of obtaining something. She was encouraged to be creative.

Her goal for Lent, she decided, was to intentionally abstain from seeking comfort in food in order to obtain comfort in Jesus, her only true Comforter. 

Today was a spectacular day to begin as she woke up in a thoroughly uncomforting state which progressively worsened. There seemed to be so many inconvenient truths blocking her way.  She almost pivoted back to bed. 

When she got to the zoo, it was a sunny, clear day. This was a happy place bustling with activity as excited laughter and joy rose up from the crowd. She intended to walk the zoo with worship music in her ears to seek God’s face in the midst of her unrest. Her earbuds, however, wouldn’t cooperate so she begrudgingly added this to her growing pile of muck and instead chose to concentrate on the birdsong instead.

After a bit of a walk, she found a bench in the shade of a Palo Verde tree in front of the Condor exhibit. The birdsong wasn’t helping and she was admittedly heavy with complaint, frustration and tears.

“What is happening in this ridiculous life of mine?” She cried out to God. 

“I’m trying to seek Your face and all I encounter are blockades.” 

After a series of deep breaths, she decided on a different tactic. She began to pray for her family, thinking she perhaps needed a focus off of herself. She turned to the Scripture of the day: Ephesians 3:20-21. It had been a prayer of hers for years so she began repeating it. 

A series of families of all shapes and sizes paraded past her and the condors. Many commented on the somewhat unattractiveness of the birds but they were especially interested in the wingspan of the condor. There was a display where you could measure your own wingspan against that of the condor’s. She watched as most of the families did.

Though she did not turn, she became acutely aware of the shade tree behind her. It was like a picture of the wingspan of the condor, or more specifically, she realized, the wingspan of Jesus. Jesus Who was backing her up despite her feeling like a somewhat unattractive bird herself.

She began to pray.

“Like a condor’s wingspan, You, Lord, strengthen my own wingspan by adding Your mighty shadow to mine. In this way, You strengthen me in ways I could not ask for or imagine.”

She looked up just as a condor whose wings had been tightly folded, opened wide its wingspan displaying its endangered species number for all to see. He stood proudly unmoving in his stance.

She continued her prayer, lifting her arms heavenward, mimicking the bird.

“You, Lord, strengthen my wingspan as You number me among Your children just as the condors are numbered. And just as these condors before me raise their wings, so do I raise mine and surrender to Your power to comfort.”

Her inward change was subtle at first. The birdsong became louder as unseen birds seemed to join the chorus. A gentle breeze fluttered her papers and the leaves of the trees all around. And then, almost imperceptibly, she felt the weight of the muck of her angst being lifted. Lifted by the strong wings of His comfort as He, once again, claimed her as His own.

Psalm 91 popped into her head:

He will cover you with his feathers. Under his wings you will find refuge is faithfulness is a shield and a rampart

Psalm 91

From tightly wound to opened wide, this is the miracle of seeking first His kingdom, she thought. 

It has been a positively spectacular day after all.

Under His wings,

Anne/JCIM
March, 2024

https://wp.me/p9mbWN-jG

Someone close to me has decided that I am not a fit role model for his kids. Though I have tried to understand his concerns, he prefers to hold on to his belief and avoid our relationship. 

The loss of relationship with him and the kids deeply saddens me. 

Each time I think we are making progress, I am confounded and wounded. It’s a woundedness that runs deep. This struggle often consumes my thoughts, keeping me up at night. 

This happened again last Thursday. I struggled to bring my sack of roiling emotions to God and I was caught in the circling thoughts of my powerlessness and regret. In my inability to surrender and release it to Him, I felt like a disappointment to everyone, including Jesus.

Until that night, my church had a Worship night. The first song is below:

Holy Spirit

There’s nothing worth more

That will ever come close

Nothing can compare

You’re our living hope

Your presence, Lord.

I’ve tasted and seen

Of the sweetest of love

When my heart becomes free

And my shame is undone

Your presence, Lord.

Holy spirit, You are welcome here

Come flood this place

And fill the atmosphere.

Your glory God

Is what our hearts longs for

To be overcome

By Your presence, Lord

Holy Spirit, sung by Jesus Culture

Jesus spoke directly to the point of my need. His glory: His presence and His character, is what my heart longs for in all my cycling, messy pain that was trying to overcome my reality.

My need? To be overcome by Your presence, Lord; only then can my heart become free and my circling feelings of shame undone; undone by the truth of Your presence instead by the lies of my circumstances. 

And overcome me He did. It was like I was washed clean of my mess, all my angst and shame hollowed out like a butternut squash. The power of the struggle was broken and replaced with soft, beautiful color. 

The song to follow was: Praise

I’ll praise when I’m sure,

I’ll praise when I’m doubting,

I’ll praise went outnumbered,

I’ll praise when surrounded,

‘Cause praise is the water

My enemies’ drown in…

Praise sung by Elevation Worship

To praise means to focus on Jesus and away from my turmoil. It is a weapon that drowns out the voices of the enemies of my faith and joy.  My cycle of turmoil can be broken and replaced with His peace which, by the way, He promises will surpass my understanding.

And then on Sunday, the sermon mimicked my Thursday night release. The visiting Pastor said:

When troubles come, it is easy to stop listening to God, but it is then that we must recognize God’s working. When facing struggle, He uses it to call us to a greater depth of obedience which will result in obtaining a richer connection with Him.

The Pastor continued with Daniel 3:16:

16 Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego replied to him,”King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if He does not, we want you to know, your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Daniel 3:16-18

Neither do I need to defend myself in my matter. It is my God, Whom I serve, Who is able to deliver me with His truth.

He went on with 2 Chronicles 20: 15,17:

20:15 ” Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s… 17 You will not have to fight this battle.

2 Chronicles 20:15,17

The King’s army focused on God, and in effect,  drowned the enemy in praise while God fought the battle. His abundant blessing followed their obedience.

This battle is not mine to fight. It is the Lord’s. I do not have to fight it in my powerlessness because my powerful God goes before me.

How marvelous! As I tell God my struggle and release it to Him in praise, I deny the enemy access to my body, mind and spirit.  It is through this remarkable process, that God takes care of it all as He creates a deeper connection with Him.

I do love it when His plan comes together.

Applauding Anne,

March 3, 2024

Psalm 84:5-6

5: Blessed are those whose strength is in You, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage to God’s house

6: As they go through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.

Psalms 84:5-6

My Pastor is preaching on Psalms 84. The week before his Valley of Baca sermon was the third anniversary of my husband, Philip’s, death. 

It has been a difficult season with my grieving being only one of the many moving pieces in my life. Nothing I set my hand to seemed to be going right. I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed so I asked God for a fresh encounter with Him, knowing He is my only hope for restoration.

As the week progressed, I continued to be overloaded. I have five 4 month old puppies I’ve been trying to sell and with so much rain, there is mud everywhere.  I felt like I needed something to be resolved or I would explode. As a relief valve, I decided to inquire about artificial turf.

I had somebody come to the house on Friday to give me an estimate. I was not intending to buy. I just wanted to be working toward resolving at least one overwhelmer. Through a series of God-idences, I said yes to the project against my worldly judgment but in favor of trusting God.

Then on Sunday my Pastor  preached from Psalm 84: 5-6. I heard him say that as we go through the desolation and dryness of the valley of Baca, when we partner with God, we will turn back and see that the desolation has been turned to lush greenness. 

The next morning, they tore up my yard to prepare it for artificial turf. It seemed like a tangible picture of the valley of Baca. Although it was not dry, it was a place of upheaval and desolation. The muddy disarray of the torn up ground felt like a picture of my torn up life. I remembered what I heard my Pastor say. When I partner with God, He will turn my desolation into lush green growth. By myself, I will fail but God’s turf is coming!

And in the afternoon, the turf company, ‘Forever Green’, by the way, transformed my mud pit into a green refuge. 

I had asked God for a fresh encounter with Him. I had asked Him to partner with me to help make my valley of Baca green again. And He did, literally!

My yard is lovely and green, polished even. The desolation of the morning has been transformed into beauty. It is an almost exact representation of the truth of Psalm 84. I began overwhelmed and desolate and I was left in awe of His intensely personal wonder working power on my behalf, like a fresh revelation falling on me, like the rains in Baca. It felt like God was taking my hand and walking with me. He wanted to take me from the barrenness of Baca into a land of green and in doing so, He showed me that in this new land, grief isn’t an enemy. It is a friend and a comfort.

It seems too great a thought to think that God would use something as simple as my yard to show me a tangible picture of what He has for me; that He would use my yard and His Word to confirm His unalienable truths: He is actively in our midst and at work.

Gratefully,

Anne Braudt

February 11, 2024

So I had this amazing prayer session of sorts the other day. I felt God was impressing upon me the need to loosen my grip on sadness and replace it by embracing the joy of this season; To intentionally consider and embrace the joy set before me each time I hold a puppy.

In Isaiah, He tells me to “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, ESV)
Did you know that the word dismayed means a crumbling of courage? I was reminded that I can do hard things because I do them with Jesus who offers me His courage when mine crumbles.

I ended up feeling encouraged, strong and confident. And then I got home.

When I got home, it was a scene of cacophony and mayhem. The pups all had mutinied and had covered themselves and the floor with every imaginable chaotic omnishambling. If that weren’t enough to take me out, I then found that my 16-year-old kitty had passed in a distressing position. My heart, which was so full of promise and courage, began to instantly crumble.

The scene required immense, immediate cleanup and exertion, both emotional and physical. To compound my own internal disarray, my unrelenting, stinging, shingles rash appeared.

All I could do was to cling to the promises of God that came in my prayer session. I repeated them over and over again as I mopped, swept, wiped, buried and mourned.
I focused on the joy set before me…all the little joys set before me at my feet because, even covered in poop, they bring light to my world and shining grace.

It was all really quite amazing. I am invited to serve my extraordinary God Who uses connection with Him to prepare me for what’s coming. He provides all that I do need and all I will need. I CAN do hard things when I do them with Jesus as my focus.

He does accomplish all that concerns me today and every day. Hallelujah! It is a Merry Christ-mas.

CAnnecophony prone,
December, 2023

I have these new puppy dogs fresh from God and I just want to gather them in my arms, all of them, all at once and just take in the sweetness and light that they offer. I want to hold onto it. I want to be it.

I want to make it last, somehow capture it and make it stay. But there is no containing such beauty. It is uncontainable, unfathomable, too deep and wide and high and long for me to fully comprehend. I feel like my brain would explode if I did, my heart already wants to.

The beauty that these puppies represent calls to me and though I cannot fully grasp it, it is a promise. A promise that each encounter with beauty enlarges my capacity for it, making space within me for more. A promise that, one day, I will have room enough to receive the gift of being in the very presence of beauty Himself, Jesus.

So for now, I will sit with the puppy on my chest. I will breathe in and out with the rhythm of the baby and I will wonder at the marvelous gift this tiny little bit gives me by just being beautiful.

Anne
November 5, 2023

August 19, 2023

It has been my privilege and honor to love and be loved by Flynn. My privilege and honor to walk alongside Megan and David and be a witness to their great love and inspired care for their children.
The simple act of being present with them, with Flynn, something I’m having trouble doing today, has opened my already grieving heart to the wonder of gratitude.
Being at his bedside or holding him in my lap and holding his hand, tickling his feet, or running my fingers through his glorious hair, and then most of all being pierced by his smile and his incredible laugh. These are the best parts of a life well lived.

Albert Schweitzer once said:

At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer

Thank you, David and Megan for sharing yourselves and your children with me and our family. Flynn has been a beautiful, spark giving gift to my world.

Flynn my sweet
Your life is a blessing
Your memory a treasure
You are loved beyond words
You are missed beyond measure.

Loving you,

Anne

With Montezuma’s revenge as my souvenir, I returned from Mexico feeling quite diminished. My energy was low. My headaches were high. After a couple weeks, I was getting back to myself when my young friend died.  Now, I would say,

I am extravagantly diminished. 

I am stuck in a land of foreboding, of worry. It’s not like me to worry and so of course this worries me.

I am tempted to think  that I should know how to grieve by now; Know how to move on; maybe even hope to be immune to being stuck. I tell myself the old thought that loving deeply means grieving deeply. Grieving deeply can mean feeling immovable in the sadness. Yes, but it’s more than that.  I can’t seem to feel my future right now and I don’t ever remember feeling this way. In the past, there have always been people and events to look forward to. I just can’t seem to feel them just now. 

When I am alone and left to my own thoughts, I am a hollow vortex of dis-integration almost like my heart is so full it will accept nothing more.

There’s no anger, no questioning, just a pervasive muddling  like I can’t find my way out and wouldn’t have the energy to try even if I could.

I was cooking the other day using a recipe and I went off book but didn’t realize it. It was as if I went somewhere and the part of me that stayed, improvised. 

And so I sleep, alot, and I tell myself that taking care of my friend’s 5 year old has made me tired. I’m out of practice taking care of such high energy beings but that is not my whole story.

I’ve never understood the bond I have with my friend and I haven’t been very involved with her son. He was born and lived during the timing of my grief for Philip, my mom and Shauna. I have been distant, unhelpful, lost in my own trouble. 

I go through the motions of a regular life of connection. I take care of my routine business, appointments, dogs, car, house. I help my friend grieve her child by attempting to be helpful. But when I am not sleeping, when I am alone, I am sad and adrift. 

I sent Joe to his air show with Ricardo. They’ll be gone for a week. I had plans to do a retreat by myself and I was looking forward to it but now I seem to have lost connection to what I once cherished. 

I want to be able to deal with death but each new one shows me a different aspect and I am still so easily knocked off kilter.

And then, as I was watching TV the other day,  God seemed to use the exact dialogue of my life in the Star Trek episode…

Uhura was talking with Kirk.

“I’ve never been able to face death. Everyone has some way of dealing with it, of moving on but I don’t know how. It has gotten so bad that I can’t even look at pictures of my family and the most recent death has just brought it all back again.”

Kirk replies: “Our job puts us against death, more than is fair. We may not like it but we do have to face it. And right now death is winning. It claimed your family. It claimed your friend. It has convinced you to forget them because it’s less painful then holding on to their memories. You can’t let death win. You can fight back and hold on to them.”

I felt a glimmer of hope when I watched that. It seemed like somewhere in there was an answer I was seeking.

It made me visualize the scene as if Jesus and I were Kirk and Uhura. I’ve used something like this in counseling before, a sort of interactive prayer.

We are sitting on a bench overlooking the sunset where we’ve been before. We are having the convo above. Jesus takes my hand and tells me it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. He tells me He’s given me this time to be still because He’s doing a work in me that I would not believe even if I were told. 

“Go gently, be gentle, especially with yourself,” He says, “Do not fear the process. I am with you.”

Somehow, though I still do not feel my future, I do feel better with my now.

Anne

July 26, 2023
A total Eclipse of the Heart playing in the background

We will never be the same
As we were before this loss
But we are ever so much better
For having had someone
So great to Lose.
~Leigh~

A young friend of mine was called home to Jesus today. My heart bucks and fights against the reality. I cry out in pain at the tearing of another sacred bond. I fall to my knees and cower in fear. Thank God He does not leave me there.

John Denver’s Wild Country song comes to mind and beckons my retreat. St. Paul’s Romans 1:20 alongside it.
I run to the wild of Granite Basin Lake. My grandkids and son are happily basking in the cool waters and in the joy of being together. This frees me to seek God’s invisible qualities all around me;
to look up at the granite boulder mountains and the crisp blue sky and choose to be comforted by God’s invisible qualities, by His eternal power and divine nature that can be understood from what has been made. I focus on He, Who calls us home and He, Who holds me up when I cannot stand. He, Who assures me that through the brokenness of this world, through my own brokenness, He will bring beauty.

Somewhere down the broken road, there will be answers for this loss but for right now, I can feel this brokenness because I know my Lord goes before me. I know I am ever so much better for having had someone so great to lose.

Goodbye, sweet Flynn. I imagine that the completeness of your mother’s and father’s love have prepared you well for the love of Jesus Who welcomes you with His shining radiant love this very day.

Loving you,
Anne
July 16, 2023

Romans 1:20
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made.”

To the Wild Country
By John Denver

There are times I fear I lose myself
I don’t know who I am
I get caught up in the struggle and the strain
With my back against a stonewall
My finger in the dam
Losin’ strength and goin’ down again

And I take a look around me
My eyes can’t find the sun
There’s nothing wild as far as I can see
Then my heart turns to Alaska
And freedom on the run
I can hear her spirit callin’ me
To the mountains, I can rest there
To the rivers, I will be strong
To the forest, I’ll find peace there
To the wild country, where I belong

Oh, I know some times I worry
On worldly ways and means
And I can see the future killing me
On a misbegotten highway
Of prophecies and dreams
A road to nowhere and eternity

And I know it’s just changes
Yes, and mankind marchin’ on
I know we can’t live in yesterday
But compared to what we’re losin’
And what it means to me
I’d give my life and throw the rest away

To the mountains, I can rest there
To the rivers, I will be strong
To the forest, I’ll find peace there
To the wild country, where I belong
To the wild country, where I belong.