My 16 year old iis driving himself to school now so the dogs and I have to figure out a new schedule for our walks. The son thinks I can sleep in but the dogs do not share that opinion so off we go for our walk before the sun and the son.

On the way, a song comes on the radio. “I Think We’re Alone Now” by Tiffany.  It made me smile as I walked the dogs. A desert sort of Spring is beginning to peek through the barren ground in tufts of green. The early birds are singing. The sun is just light on the horizon and I do think we’re alone now.

The birds remind me of the garden where God walked with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day. It is cool. A cool 49°. My broken arm is using the dog leash for a sling. My cousin’s puffy jacket is a cushion for my neck. I have no need to hide from God in the trees of this garden for His lines have fallen in pleasant places for me today and I take a deep breath to savor it.

PMFL,

Anne. Genesis 3:8, Psalms 16:6-7

Oh my God, gather me to be with You as You are with me…Especially in this Philip- loved place of snowy slopes. Where my heart is heavy and light with the memories of him on the anniversary of his going. I smile at the shine of new sunlight on snow that the wind blows effortlessly in soft billows. The brisk coldness invigorates; the excitement of the hill bursts forth, uncontainable, on the faces around me and on mine own. It is a glorious day to celebrate as it is a sorrowful one deep inside. A mysterious mixture of mayhem and melody in this dance of my life. May I embody both as a picture of Your indescribable gathering coming together, like light on snowpack, invigorating. 

Anne at Snowbowl

January, 7, 2023
Inspired by Ted Loder’s Guerrillas of Grace
Gather Me To Be With You
page 76

Gather me to be with You

O God, gather me to be with You as You are with me.
Soothe my tiredness; curb my aimlessness; relieve my compulsiveness;
let me be easy for a moment.

O Lord, release me
from the fears and guilts which grip me so tightly;
from the expectations and opinions which I so tightly grip, that I may be open to receiving what You give, to risking something genuinely new, to learning something refreshingly different.

O God, gather me to be with You as You are with me.
Forgive me
for claiming so much for myself
that I leave no room for gratitude;
for confusing exercises in self-importance
for complaining so much of my burdens that I become a burden;
with acceptance of self-worth; for competing against others so insidiously that I stifle celebrating them and receiving your blessing through their gifts.

O God, gather me to be with You as You are with me.
Keep me in touch with myself, with my needs,
my anxieties,
my angers,
my pains,
my corruptions,
that I may claim them as my own rather than blame them on someone else.

O Lord, deepen my wounds into wisdom;
shape my weaknesses into compassion;
gentle my envy into enjoyment, my fear into trust, my guilt into honesty, my accusing fingers into tickling ones.

Oh My God, gather me to be with You as You are with me.
Ted Loder’s Guerrillas of Grace
” Gather me to be with You”
Page 76

As this challenging year ends, my challenges do not.  I am now both a widow and an orphan. I have both a broken arm and a pinched nerve in my back. I am a hot mess and a spicy disaster but beyond it all, I can thank God for Christmas.

I thank God for the birth of Jesus who was born and saw life through our eyes and now gives us the gift of seeing life through His. The richer, deeper, soul nourishing life He has uniquely handcrafted for each one of us.

Christmas made possible the freedom to live above our circumstances. A life only possible when we choose to see it through His eyes.

Hallelujah and amen. There is a brand new year coming!

Thank God!

PMFL, Anne December, 2022

These past few weeks my old acquaintance, Dread, has  returned.  The feeling of not wanting to proceed; of wanting to stand still and hold my breath until the unformed danger moves past. 

The loss of my mom and the struggling grief of my child have stymied me…good reasons, I suppose…

And then there’s the fact that I’ve just returned from St. Louis where we dismantled my mom’s house of 43 years. It was an oddly comforting reprieve to be with my siblings, cousin and friend. Through all of our funerals, we have continued to say that we are stronger together and that always proves true.

But now returning home, my lingering dread awakens with me each morning. I suspect it will just take time to assimilate into myself this ever changing life of mine. 

I tell others who are new to grieving to be gentle with themselves and so I claim this for myself. In the stillness of my silent night, I will gently let the Truth and living Hope Who is Christmas rescue me once again for that is, after all, the whole point of His coming at Christmas.

Gentle and silent,

Anne December 15, 2022

Somewhere in your Silent Night by Casting Crowns

i thank you, God
e.e.cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:
for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;
and for everything which is natural
which is infinite
which is yes.

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;
this is the birthday of life and of love
and wings:
and of the gay great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing breathing any—
lifted from the no of all nothing—
human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

     I walk the dogs this morning and bring Mama with me.  On this hiill overlooking the sparse winter park, a crew has come in, cut down and cleared out all the summer’s growth leaving the taller trees and the dusty earth beneath.

     The dogs don’t mind.There are plenty of smells. The sun is warming the cool morning and the birds are singing with delight.

     Bella stops their song as she chases them into the air and skids to a stop beneath the tree where they hide. She barks as she sits expectedly, looking up, tail wagging, waiting.  It does not take long for her to be abruptly distracted by smells too vibrant to ignore and Z joins her. They dash off so pleased to be together on this beautiful morning.

   The pups and our walks tether me to my present. Feelings of powerlessness are overtaking my days again but as I sit and am still, the birds remind me to sing. The dogs remind me to seize the day. My Mama reminds me that I am truly blessed to be loved.

     The dusty earth may be kicked up but the trees still manage to find a way to grow tall and strong, awaiting the new growth that the Spring will bring. And they remind me as well to wait in the still beauty of this fine day.

Dusty Anne

November 23, 2022

It is early morning and our Grace kitty is singing her loud morning song. It is a song that used to wake Mama. The kitty would go into her room until she got a response. It was their morning ritual of sorts. This morning there is no such response except for her even, steady breathing. I gently put water in her mouth as her eyes flicker open. I run my fingers through her hair and hold her hand.

It’s a kind of waiting game now. As I sit at her bedside, I play some of her favorite records, I speak the names of all those who love her, family and friends.

Joe plays John Denver and I sing:

“Country roads take her home to the place where she belongs…mountain Mama,  take her home country roads.”

She used to be fond of John D. but recently while we were listening to him, I found that she had put Kleenex in her ears to block the sound. John and Frank Sinatra, both had become rather tinny to her ears and unwelcome. It was the side effect of Alzheimer’s I had not encountered before…

She did love to sing the old hymns. I loved standing beside her in church and singing with her. This hymn began singing itself in me today:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in his wonderful face
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
In light of his glory and grace