Tanzania, Enroute

March 3, 2025

My season of first reluctance slips in before every trip. It’s a kind of obstinate resistance hiding just beneath my breath:  Why am I here? Why have I come, again? What am I, was I, thinking? 

Today it takes the form of lament.

Every airline pilot I see sears me to my core with a depth of sadness I haven’t felt since… well, if I am honest, yesterday.  The loss of one of the last vestiges of Philip draws me to my edge. I come close to buckling under the weight of its heaviness but I push it away as I have become so skilled at doing.

I distract myself as I rummage endlessly for dropped and lost items trying to achieve some kind of comfort for the 8 hours ahead. My seat mates, much to my exclusion, chatter loudly at each other as if trying to form a familiarity not yet earned.

I don’t mind. Alone and unmoving in the darkness of my seat,  I stop resisting.

I bury my face in my sleeve as my floodgates open and the tears I have relegated to my hidden places flow in a hot torrent of messy fluid. My chest heaves, unseen by others, as wave after wave of unquenched lament takes possession. I plead for clarity. I beg for relief. I struggle to reconcile my emotions with my faith and scramble to understand how I could be here again. When I tire of the futility of my words, I give into my groaning, until I sleep.

I am shaken awake by the turbulence of the plane and I gasp as my stomach drops away.  There is a fierce roar outside my window and I wonder if I am imagining it until I involuntarily gasp at the plane’s continued lurching.

A line from a recent Bible study pops into my mind. Something about the difference between grumbling and groaning. I search for the idea while the winds howl outside.  Grumbling is  turning away from God. Groaning is running to God, trusting. 

The turbulence of the wind seems to mimic the turbulence of my soul and I actually smile at God’s clever gift. It’s not so much about the turbulence, it’s about Who I run to in the midst of it.

TanzaniAnne

March 3, 2025 

Jesus laments for you and with you by His Spirit. He is wading through the ocean of tears you cry to get to you…and give you a million reasons to trust Him and rejoice.   

J. Rothschild