It’s a crisp, sunny, blue sky day full of promise. First baseball tournament of our year. Falcon Field plane traffic is steady above, dogs at my feet, we are safe in the embrace of our baseball family.
Field rules dictate one parent per player so bittersweetly I win that coin toss. No Philip to score the game today.
It is good to be back but so odd resuming life’s rhythm without Philip. A pervasive greyness tinges the bright day. My inner cheerleader is quiet. I am afraid that if left unguarded, my joy might spill over into the simmering uncertainty of deeper fear…

Farfegnugen! Enough of that, I am strong, surrounded, together so…
“Here we go 30, C4 is knocking, open the door! It’s Prime time!”

Anne
January 30, 2021

I didn’t sleep much last night, woke up early to greet the 35° day. The sun is bright and clear. There’s no wind. As I walk the dogs, I can see my breath and God’s glitter on the field. It’s a frosty day. It is also the first day, I feel more myself than I’ve felt all month.

As I lay in my bed I realized that I am braver when I am not left alone.

It feels like I am living the It’s a Wonderful Life movie. I’ve had such a drenching, sustained response to our great need. 

Like Clarence says,

 “Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?”

It’s a Wonderful Life

But the thing is the hole created by Philip’s struggle, for me, has been filled to overflowing by people from all parts of my life as far back as my childhood. It has been as wonder-full and life affirming as the scene where Mary pushes everything off the table to make room for the outpouring of unexpected gratitude and kindness on its way. She says, paraphrased by me, 

 “We just had to say that Philip was in trouble and everyone came out.”

It is the truth of Psalms 91:11-12 in action:

“For God will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will lift you up.” 

Each one of you, in your own sweet way, have lifted me up so I can bear this difficult time. I am humbled by your generosity, words, and prayers and will be forever grateful that I was not alone at such a time as this. You’ve made a difference in this struggle by blessing us so completely.

Thank you! 

Anne
January 27,2021

Found this from January 12, 2021. I sent it to Philip and he sent it on but I thought I’d post it now. I wrote it about me but Philip felt like it was exactly how he was feeling back then. The Covid fog…

The Will-lessness of Illness

I’m not exactly depressed, more like will-less. No will to do anything. I feel bits of energy bubbling up but more of a curious observation than a will to use. I have lists of things in my mind that need doing but no need to actually do them.I sit out on my back porch listening to the birds, watching the pups play, feeling the cool air…things I once cherished…I try to muster an opinion of anything.

When that charge nurse’s first contact was to reprimand me, something broke inside. I cried hard but then it was all replaced by nothing. I slept for the following two days more or less, off the grid. The world simply goes on whether I’m involved or not. Whether I respond to their cries for help or don’t. It seemingly makes no difference at all to me what my response is.

People ask me what they can do to help. I have no answer. Of course, there are lots of things that could be done if life were regular. I sometimes list them in my mind. Sort of weighing out their importance to life moving forward. None of them are important. None crucial. None possible when you are covid positive. All just niceties I used to increase my own comfort in life. Clean house. Haircut. shower. Comfort Groceries and treats…

Without taste or smell, or will none of it matters, if it ever truly did. I asked a couple people to bring groceries because people want to be useful and kind, want to be valued and I want to value them. (Well, that’s a will-ish sort of thing to say). It’s that which perhaps I miss the most. Having my life feel valued by me and so at times, very few times these days, I seek to give value to others, knowing how important it once was to me. But really how does one do that without attachment to one’s own will?

But I guess what I really need aren’t really things. I need someone to parent Joe, to be kind and skilled to Philip, to motivate Thomas, to befriend Sam, to encourage and cover David and Peter with kindness and love. ‘Things’ I, maybe, did once…don’t know if I quite remember…

Well now, I put my feet down and find my faithful pup there and, at last, I muster a response. Maybe my will is still somewhere inside there buried under layers of headache, nausea, fatigue and…remorse is it?

I am valued by God (dog spelled backwards) because He made me a human BEING, not a human doing. blah, blah, blah.. Nonetheless, I will do (lol) well to remember that until my will to do comes back…or not.

From what I hear, it takes a bit of time to come back from this… I wonder which bit of timing I’m in…Lost in the haze of covid,

Anne

January 12, 2021

I went out to the VA today where Philip works. I wanted to deliver a card to update them and give them my number if they wanted to be updated more. I was greeted at the entrance by a nurse, Rebecca. She immediately knew who I was by sight. She told me Philip calls her “Stick” and said she has been praying. She will get the card to his team and she will tell her boss about the W-2.

Words cannot really express how deeply comforting it is to be known. How grateful I feel that she knew my name, such a simple blessing but so sustainingly precious.

ICU nurse, Erica, tells me they are weaning the sedation to see how Philip does with the Intubation. They are watching his lab work closely and he is comfortable. All his ICU nurses have been courage givers with their gentle kindnesses and willingness to care for us both. I am so grateful.

Anne

January 25, 2021

Winter, it seems, has come to Arizona. I find I need a coat, a hat and earmuffs in the crisp wind. As I walk my pups, Zegan’s one ear is blown up by the wind as he smiles his way through the smells. The pups find it invigorating and if I’m truthful so do I.

Now that I have been released from my constant fear, my mind turns to more practical things like taxes. It’s funny how you just don’t talk about some things. Like how do I get his W-2 form from the VA when he usually prints it out? How do I get hold of his staff at the VA to tell them why he is silent? Those contacts are in his phone… I guess it is always a bit inconceivable that you might lose each other.

Nonetheless, taxes seemed doable today but now that I say these things out loud perhaps I’ll just watch my dogs frolic in the blustery wind instead.

Anne

January 25, 2022: early morning

Yesterday, I had been dreading the intubation possibility but once it had occurred, I became sort of silent inside. Fear subsided. Little energy for that anymore as the deep achiness of fear drenched days were replaced by fatigue, I thought.

But I realized today, much to my own surprise, that I am not silent inside but rather calm instead. Though I feared and dreaded intubation, Philip can rest now. He remains intubated and sedated but no longer paralyzed. He is resting easily and somehow so am I.

Anne

January 23, 2021

With thoughts of intubation this morning, I took the dogs out into the sunshine to a wide open field where they ran happily quite a distance away. When I knelt to pray in the dirt, head down, tearful and afraid, suddenly there were my pups surrounding me like prayer, like angels, like Jesus Himself kneeling with me there in the wide open field of dirt.

My pastor talked about being pressed down crushed in the context of the early church. The church at Smyrna was being persecuted for their faith and as a means to get them to renounce they were laid on their backs and a large rocks were placed on their chests. Subsequent rocks were added until either the subject recanted or died from the weight. It may be a poor choice of analogies when Philip can’t breathe but I can’t help but think another stone has been placed on my chest today.

Nevertheless, I have no need to renounce or recant because my God kneels with me in the dirt and bears these rocks for and with me. And many times He does it through friends, furry and otherwise.

Anne

January 22, 2021

As I pick up my pennies holding them tight in my hand, I fear. I have been so afraid these past days, so afraid of losing Philip. It’s been haunting my every minute of every day. I am being held up by such kindness and prayer. I claim God’s promises. I know His plan is better than anything I can imagine. I know whatever happens it will be alright literally. Yet I hear Philip’s voice with the machines clouding his words and I quiver in the depths of my being in panic.

I don’t know what to do with these paralyzing fears except to lay them at the feet of Jesus in all their raucous bluster; to cry until I’m dry and to fall asleep in the arms of He Who loves me most and then to wake again and repeat the cycle. There must somehow be purpose in giving the fear to Jesus over and over again until the storm passes. And so I repeat: I believe, Lord, help me with my unbelief.

Alongside all of that, I wonder, why I insist on living in fear? The Bible says over and over again “Do not fear for I am with you: Psalms 41:10. Yet I can’t but wonder why it is I do fear. I do trust God with Philip and with outcomes. God is good all the time and yet I am so afraid. My friend told me that it was because I am human. She says that fear is not a lack of faith but rather an insight our Father provides reminding us of our frailty alongside His grace. I considered these words as I went to sleep and I awoke with new thoughts. They seem obvious now but her words were the bridge I needed to get there.

I awoke to the thoughts that perhaps my fear is a tribute to God. It expresses the depth of my agreement with Him that He gave me a perfectly fitted partner for my life journey. A precious man who I love deeply and so I fear for deeply. It is a relief to understand that I’m not being disloyal to either God or Philip in my fear, but rather I honor them both with it. I don’t want to fear but I think it’s quite alright that I do. And that in itself helps me to fear less.

“Peace be still. Say the word and I will; Set my feet upon the sea; Til I’m dancing in the deep. Peace be still. You are here so it is well. Even when my eyes can’t see. I will trust the voice that speaks.” ~ Peace Be Still by Hope Darst

Encouraged, Anne

January 20, 2021

I’ve read an article today on incivility in the workplace among nurses. How a year’s worth of high alert pandemic may be translated into bullying and other uncivil behaviors. Incivility is defined as “lateral violence, horizontal violence and bullying”. “Any behavior that is intended to humiliate, demean or diminish and leads to a power relationship where the abuser seeks to control the victim.” I would add that it is intended by the abuser to take control of untenable feelings of powerlessness, aggravated sadness and a sense of whole-hearted doom. It’s effect can be devastating to the victim but I suspect there is a degree of devastation for the abuser as well. A hidden cry for help, perhaps. I was a victim recently of a charge nurse tasked with taking care of my Covid positive husband struggling to breath. My first contact with the hospital and his care team 7 days into his care, was by this charge nurse. She called to reprimand me for the behavior of a friend who had called concerned about my husband. I had to interrupt her rant to ask how he was doing. She said she wasn’t his direct nurse so she didn’t really know. She then continued to berate me for the behavior of someone else.

I myself am Covid positive and struggling on many levels at home. I was not up to the task of responding well to her. Her words shook my confidence in the staff caring for my family. It was that confidence that was carrying me through so you can imagine my struggle when I couldn’t trust he was being taken care of well. When I was a kid at night in bed, I would lie as still as I could possibly manage trying to make my breath imperceptible because I imagined that Dracula would visit me and if I had any sign of life he would take me away.

I thought about that today as my headaches and nausea bear down on me. Ever since that nurse reprimanded me, it has been as if I have been managing to lie as still as I can so that evil won’t take me. If I can shut down just enough, the life sucking Dracula will pass me by. At least, that is what my vulnerable, little girl self thought.

Perhaps prolonged illness and the stress it brings peels back layers of competency that have accumulated over the years leaving only a vulnerable little girl lying still, praying for intervention. I imagine that charge nurse is that little girl as well.

Inaction, however, is not the needed response to suffering. I would plead with us all to bring encouragement, kindness, and understanding to this world crying for help. If a charge nurse is up to bullying the sick, who else among us must be struggling as well? All those words to simply say: Kindness matters. So BE KIND.

Please.

Anne

January 17, 2021