July 17, 2024

I am in Vegas and for the first time I am not being overwhelmed with the oppressive sadness of the always inside, artificial, recycled, false hope giving, substitutional beauty and emptiness of it all. 

It is an incredible lightness of being.  To smile at those who are with and around me. To marvel at all the vibrant colors, shapes and sizes of the people and buildings. To be present … I am aware of this obvious change in me but not how it came to be. I can’t seem to put my finger on how I am different than I once was.

As we were roaming the last days of the Mirage with all its garden splendor, my friend told me she read my book. She asked me where I find Jesus in Vegas. It took me several conversations to finish my answer because there was so much vying for our attention.

There was a constant stream of people hoping for a last big payout promised by the closing casino. The few slot machines left were claimed by the hearty who showed no signs of leaving as they pressed on. It appeared that each machine would go blank and shut down once it vomited up its prize.  So many were already dark and abandoned, slot machines and players alike.

A wandering woman, in both body and expression, walked by us several times. She wore a lovely Derby worthy dress with flowers sewn into the neck line. I admired it every time she passed and finally stopped to tell her how lovely she looked. Her face transformed as only being caught being beautiful can do. It was like her inner light sparked on. She passed several times more with that same smile and nod.

I told my friend that in my experience of loss and trauma, any place of destitution, be it a tragedy, trauma or a place like Vegas, Jesus can be found in the unexpected kindnesses we encounter. He is always especially there. The times of simplicity when our downward gaze is lifted up and off of ourselves. The times when we feel seen for who we are, valued and beautiful.

God uses these sometimes interruptive times to woo us to Him, bringing us to the choice we are always given. Will we choose His fresh, authentic, hopeful beauty or turn our eyes to the artificial, fleeting promise of self sufficiency as we look  elsewhere for meaning. So my answer to her question: Where do I find Jesus in self-acclaimed Sin City? I look for the light of kindness. He is always there.

As I finished what I considered was my inadequately presented theology, my friend summarized my words.  “So it’s like what you did with that woman.”

She stunned me with her words and I was even a bit disoriented. My attention had been focused on giving a thoughtful response. I had not expected my words to be validated so immediately and certainly not by my own self. It took a moment for it to sink in. 
My unexpected kindness to the woman became an unexpected kindness for myself. It was now I who smiled and nodded. My friend had heard not only my words but had seen my heart as well. It’s the ripple effect of a sort. I feel seen and valued which then empowers me to see and value others. This is the way of Jesus.

AMRB/JCIM
Las Vegas in July

I’m ready to be home until I sit by the lake. I sit in the breezing under the towering, sweet smelling trees with their concert of fluttering leaves and their sign language clapping in agreement of this glorious day.

I breathe in the clarity. I delight in the trilling birdsong and I rest in the beauty of my I AM. 

Rock Pond did not go as I had hoped though I did not realize I had hoped for anything until it was over. 

It seems I had been hoping for resolution and rest; a sort of satisfaction in the letting go and the taking up of the shared memories of my exceptional people with my exceptional people.

I had hoped that I might put at ease my inner stirring for meaning by the leaving behind ofà commemorations for each of them.

I had hoped to embrace Mr. Emerson’s apt eulogy and speak it into the breezing of this pond of childhood memories:

 “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. 

This is to have succeeded.” 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

But I was only one of many and a public speaker I have never been so I will sit here and redeem those hopes.

I arrived late having chosen Robert Frost’s Road not taken. My body betraying me with each labored breath and rib entanglement, though I did find many natural wonders along the way 

I would have liked more time to wander and feel and be. To look for Mr. Rabbit’s home as I did so long ago with 5 year old Scott and place his plaque above it in gratitude for his life. 

To find the large rock I decided was the pond’s namesake and watch, again, as Ross and Todd? set up an overnight fishing line they would never retrieve. 

To come alongside my Mama and observe with horror as she removed each porcupine quill from docile Muffin who knew his only salvation would come from her hands. 

To look up and see my Dad with his blue bucket hat and walking stick. I imagine now how he most assuredly had a depth and richness of an inner life he shared only in the quoting of his beloved artists and writers. It would please him that Sally and I took the road less taken to get here even if it did cause worry and panic among the ranks.

Here’s to you, Daddie Man, you were never an island though I often wonder if you thought you were. I am so pleased to have joined in the bringing of your continent, your community, back to this place, again in gratitude for your life and the life of our boys.

Here’s to you Mrs. Robinson who made it all possible.

And here’s to us: 

Braudt’s, Callahan’s, Carbonaro’s, Heimerle’s, Herrmann’s, Hoover’s, Knox, Kuras’ and Robinson’s.

It is good to be under the towering, sweet breezy covering of our family tree.

AMRB/JCIM

July, 2024

The pups awoke this morning with a vivid jig in their step somehow knowing it was cool and breezy outside, their favorite kind of day. By the time I got to the living room, they had torn apart a pillow and along with my fur lined luxury tile, there were mounds of fluff from the pillow, a cacophony of mayhem. I knew a muddy day was in our future because that kind of energy cannot be contained. It was clearly a stark, unavoidable necessity for which, fortunately, I had ample time.

On this overcast, breezy day I took the dogs to the water. Usko, who was born a light golden sweet color, was soon striped and smeared with the dark sticky muck of the canal, unrecognizable from the pale yellow in which he arrived.
There is icky and then there is the deep odiferous wallow of the bottom dwelling muck, icky. The ride home would be an all windows down sort of affair.

They galloped through the shallow water with their matchless vigor and delight. Biting and tussling with one another, multitasking as only a pack of puppies can do. The glee of their movements was contagious and invigorating.

Eventually, it came time to disem”bark”. I should learn not to wait until I am done before I pack them up because the energy to pack them up undoes all that went before.
Like exhausted toddlers, they resisted arrest as they went running toward the car home and then passed it in pursuit of their newfound semi truck prey.

But it’s all good, like Steinbeck once said,
“I knew they had made me feel better and surer.” despite of the prospect of the demudifying to come.


Anne/JCIM
5/2024

There are these two remarkable women in my life whom I admire as I marvel at how they can keep such a lovely, ordered home. Hard as I try, I cannot achieve, let alone maintain, one. There is dirt and dust and disrepair everywhere, even before puppies. I can barely manage the clutter alone. True, complete cleaning seems unachievable for me. I have to put up boundaries to avoid getting lost in the minutiae because there is always more to clean.

And the messiness extends beyond my physical house. My body is a mess, unpredictable and difficult at times. Headaches, pains, GI spontaneity at the most inconvenient times.

My mind is a close third of a mess. Messy relationships, grief, the unrelenting, erratic complications of being and the compounding cluttering of my state of mind…

Thank God I am not left alone in this disarray of a life. My God is a God Who chose this messiness so He could walk alongside me in mine; so that He could redeem my mess and turn it into His beauty.

My life mimics His work. I’m unable to clean myself enough, like my house, but He does not require me to succeed in that. He only asks me to believe that He can. I am clean the moment I believe Jesus. Once I believe, He tidies up my life one erratic complication of being at a time, creating beauty in me.

Like He told Peter in John 13:10, “Those who have had a bath need only wash their feet; their whole body is clean.”

My earthly house will never be as clean as I might want, but my life is being renewed with each cry of my heart for His provision. He promises beauty will emerge from this mess and He always keeps His promises. Thank God!

8 Jesus answered, ” unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” 9 ” Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well.” 10 Jesus answered,” those who have had a bath need only wash their feet; their whole body is clean.”

John 13:8-10

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen”.  Ephesians 3: 20-21

The girl woke up with an oppressive headache and a more oppressive, depressive irritation in her core. She wanted to crawl out of her skin, to run and hide until the fury within her passed. She was going to hide in her bed where the world would be safe from her, but instead she decided to go with her original plan despite the inner turmoil. She decided to go to the zoo. 

In her past, she had been known to take a time out from life by visiting her local zoo.  She decided to ‘resurrect’ this idea in these days before Easter.

Her church was taking time for prayer and fasting. Abstain to obtain: Abstaining from something with the goal of obtaining something. She was encouraged to be creative.

Her goal for Lent, she decided, was to intentionally abstain from seeking comfort in food in order to obtain comfort in Jesus, her only true Comforter. 

Today was a spectacular day to begin as she woke up in a thoroughly uncomforting state which progressively worsened. There seemed to be so many inconvenient truths blocking her way.  She almost pivoted back to bed. 

When she got to the zoo, it was a sunny, clear day. This was a happy place bustling with activity as excited laughter and joy rose up from the crowd. She intended to walk the zoo with worship music in her ears to seek God’s face in the midst of her unrest. Her earbuds, however, wouldn’t cooperate so she begrudgingly added this to her growing pile of muck and instead chose to concentrate on the birdsong instead.

After a bit of a walk, she found a bench in the shade of a Palo Verde tree in front of the Condor exhibit. The birdsong wasn’t helping and she was admittedly heavy with complaint, frustration and tears.

“What is happening in this ridiculous life of mine?” She cried out to God. 

“I’m trying to seek Your face and all I encounter are blockades.” 

After a series of deep breaths, she decided on a different tactic. She began to pray for her family, thinking she perhaps needed a focus off of herself. She turned to the Scripture of the day: Ephesians 3:20-21. It had been a prayer of hers for years so she began repeating it. 

A series of families of all shapes and sizes paraded past her and the condors. Many commented on the somewhat unattractiveness of the birds but they were especially interested in the wingspan of the condor. There was a display where you could measure your own wingspan against that of the condor’s. She watched as most of the families did.

Though she did not turn, she became acutely aware of the shade tree behind her. It was like a picture of the wingspan of the condor, or more specifically, she realized, the wingspan of Jesus. Jesus Who was backing her up despite her feeling like a somewhat unattractive bird herself.

She began to pray.

“Like a condor’s wingspan, You, Lord, strengthen my own wingspan by adding Your mighty shadow to mine. In this way, You strengthen me in ways I could not ask for or imagine.”

She looked up just as a condor whose wings had been tightly folded, opened wide its wingspan displaying its endangered species number for all to see. He stood proudly unmoving in his stance.

She continued her prayer, lifting her arms heavenward, mimicking the bird.

“You, Lord, strengthen my wingspan as You number me among Your children just as the condors are numbered. And just as these condors before me raise their wings, so do I raise mine and surrender to Your power to comfort.”

Her inward change was subtle at first. The birdsong became louder as unseen birds seemed to join the chorus. A gentle breeze fluttered her papers and the leaves of the trees all around. And then, almost imperceptibly, she felt the weight of the muck of her angst being lifted. Lifted by the strong wings of His comfort as He, once again, claimed her as His own.

Psalm 91 popped into her head:

He will cover you with his feathers. Under his wings you will find refuge is faithfulness is a shield and a rampart

Psalm 91

From tightly wound to opened wide, this is the miracle of seeking first His kingdom, she thought. 

It has been a positively spectacular day after all.

Under His wings,

Anne/JCIM
March, 2024

https://wp.me/p9mbWN-jG

Someone close to me has decided that I am not a fit role model for his kids. Though I have tried to understand his concerns, he prefers to hold on to his belief and avoid our relationship. 

The loss of relationship with him and the kids deeply saddens me. 

Each time I think we are making progress, I am confounded and wounded. It’s a woundedness that runs deep. This struggle often consumes my thoughts, keeping me up at night. 

This happened again last Thursday. I struggled to bring my sack of roiling emotions to God and I was caught in the circling thoughts of my powerlessness and regret. In my inability to surrender and release it to Him, I felt like a disappointment to everyone, including Jesus.

Until that night, my church had a Worship night. The first song is below:

Holy Spirit

There’s nothing worth more

That will ever come close

Nothing can compare

You’re our living hope

Your presence, Lord.

I’ve tasted and seen

Of the sweetest of love

When my heart becomes free

And my shame is undone

Your presence, Lord.

Holy spirit, You are welcome here

Come flood this place

And fill the atmosphere.

Your glory God

Is what our hearts longs for

To be overcome

By Your presence, Lord

Holy Spirit, sung by Jesus Culture

Jesus spoke directly to the point of my need. His glory: His presence and His character, is what my heart longs for in all my cycling, messy pain that was trying to overcome my reality.

My need? To be overcome by Your presence, Lord; only then can my heart become free and my circling feelings of shame undone; undone by the truth of Your presence instead by the lies of my circumstances. 

And overcome me He did. It was like I was washed clean of my mess, all my angst and shame hollowed out like a butternut squash. The power of the struggle was broken and replaced with soft, beautiful color. 

The song to follow was: Praise

I’ll praise when I’m sure,

I’ll praise when I’m doubting,

I’ll praise went outnumbered,

I’ll praise when surrounded,

‘Cause praise is the water

My enemies’ drown in…

Praise sung by Elevation Worship

To praise means to focus on Jesus and away from my turmoil. It is a weapon that drowns out the voices of the enemies of my faith and joy.  My cycle of turmoil can be broken and replaced with His peace which, by the way, He promises will surpass my understanding.

And then on Sunday, the sermon mimicked my Thursday night release. The visiting Pastor said:

When troubles come, it is easy to stop listening to God, but it is then that we must recognize God’s working. When facing struggle, He uses it to call us to a greater depth of obedience which will result in obtaining a richer connection with Him.

The Pastor continued with Daniel 3:16:

16 Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego replied to him,”King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if He does not, we want you to know, your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Daniel 3:16-18

Neither do I need to defend myself in my matter. It is my God, Whom I serve, Who is able to deliver me with His truth.

He went on with 2 Chronicles 20: 15,17:

20:15 ” Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s… 17 You will not have to fight this battle.

2 Chronicles 20:15,17

The King’s army focused on God, and in effect,  drowned the enemy in praise while God fought the battle. His abundant blessing followed their obedience.

This battle is not mine to fight. It is the Lord’s. I do not have to fight it in my powerlessness because my powerful God goes before me.

How marvelous! As I tell God my struggle and release it to Him in praise, I deny the enemy access to my body, mind and spirit.  It is through this remarkable process, that God takes care of it all as He creates a deeper connection with Him.

I do love it when His plan comes together.

Applauding Anne,

March 3, 2024

Psalm 84:5-6

5: Blessed are those whose strength is in You, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage to God’s house

6: As they go through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.

Psalms 84:5-6

My Pastor is preaching on Psalms 84. The week before his Valley of Baca sermon was the third anniversary of my husband, Philip’s, death. 

It has been a difficult season with my grieving being only one of the many moving pieces in my life. Nothing I set my hand to seemed to be going right. I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed so I asked God for a fresh encounter with Him, knowing He is my only hope for restoration.

As the week progressed, I continued to be overloaded. I have five 4 month old puppies I’ve been trying to sell and with so much rain, there is mud everywhere.  I felt like I needed something to be resolved or I would explode. As a relief valve, I decided to inquire about artificial turf.

I had somebody come to the house on Friday to give me an estimate. I was not intending to buy. I just wanted to be working toward resolving at least one overwhelmer. Through a series of God-idences, I said yes to the project against my worldly judgment but in favor of trusting God.

Then on Sunday my Pastor  preached from Psalm 84: 5-6. I heard him say that as we go through the desolation and dryness of the valley of Baca, when we partner with God, we will turn back and see that the desolation has been turned to lush greenness. 

The next morning, they tore up my yard to prepare it for artificial turf. It seemed like a tangible picture of the valley of Baca. Although it was not dry, it was a place of upheaval and desolation. The muddy disarray of the torn up ground felt like a picture of my torn up life. I remembered what I heard my Pastor say. When I partner with God, He will turn my desolation into lush green growth. By myself, I will fail but God’s turf is coming!

And in the afternoon, the turf company, ‘Forever Green’, by the way, transformed my mud pit into a green refuge. 

I had asked God for a fresh encounter with Him. I had asked Him to partner with me to help make my valley of Baca green again. And He did, literally!

My yard is lovely and green, polished even. The desolation of the morning has been transformed into beauty. It is an almost exact representation of the truth of Psalm 84. I began overwhelmed and desolate and I was left in awe of His intensely personal wonder working power on my behalf, like a fresh revelation falling on me, like the rains in Baca. It felt like God was taking my hand and walking with me. He wanted to take me from the barrenness of Baca into a land of green and in doing so, He showed me that in this new land, grief isn’t an enemy. It is a friend and a comfort.

It seems too great a thought to think that God would use something as simple as my yard to show me a tangible picture of what He has for me; that He would use my yard and His Word to confirm His unalienable truths: He is actively in our midst and at work.

Gratefully,

Anne Braudt

February 11, 2024

So I had this amazing prayer session of sorts the other day. I felt God was impressing upon me the need to loosen my grip on sadness and replace it by embracing the joy of this season; To intentionally consider and embrace the joy set before me each time I hold a puppy.

In Isaiah, He tells me to “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, ESV)
Did you know that the word dismayed means a crumbling of courage? I was reminded that I can do hard things because I do them with Jesus who offers me His courage when mine crumbles.

I ended up feeling encouraged, strong and confident. And then I got home.

When I got home, it was a scene of cacophony and mayhem. The pups all had mutinied and had covered themselves and the floor with every imaginable chaotic omnishambling. If that weren’t enough to take me out, I then found that my 16-year-old kitty had passed in a distressing position. My heart, which was so full of promise and courage, began to instantly crumble.

The scene required immense, immediate cleanup and exertion, both emotional and physical. To compound my own internal disarray, my unrelenting, stinging, shingles rash appeared.

All I could do was to cling to the promises of God that came in my prayer session. I repeated them over and over again as I mopped, swept, wiped, buried and mourned.
I focused on the joy set before me…all the little joys set before me at my feet because, even covered in poop, they bring light to my world and shining grace.

It was all really quite amazing. I am invited to serve my extraordinary God Who uses connection with Him to prepare me for what’s coming. He provides all that I do need and all I will need. I CAN do hard things when I do them with Jesus as my focus.

He does accomplish all that concerns me today and every day. Hallelujah! It is a Merry Christ-mas.

CAnnecophony prone,
December, 2023