Psalm 84:5-6

5: Blessed are those whose strength is in You, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage to God’s house

6: As they go through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.

Psalms 84:5-6

My Pastor is preaching on Psalms 84. The week before his Valley of Baca sermon was the third anniversary of my husband, Philip’s, death. 

It has been a difficult season with my grieving being only one of the many moving pieces in my life. Nothing I set my hand to seemed to be going right. I had been feeling increasingly overwhelmed so I asked God for a fresh encounter with Him, knowing He is my only hope for restoration.

As the week progressed, I continued to be overloaded. I have five 4 month old puppies I’ve been trying to sell and with so much rain, there is mud everywhere.  I felt like I needed something to be resolved or I would explode. As a relief valve, I decided to inquire about artificial turf.

I had somebody come to the house on Friday to give me an estimate. I was not intending to buy. I just wanted to be working toward resolving at least one overwhelmer. Through a series of God-idences, I said yes to the project against my worldly judgment but in favor of trusting God.

Then on Sunday my Pastor  preached from Psalm 84: 5-6. I heard him say that as we go through the desolation and dryness of the valley of Baca, when we partner with God, we will turn back and see that the desolation has been turned to lush greenness. 

The next morning, they tore up my yard to prepare it for artificial turf. It seemed like a tangible picture of the valley of Baca. Although it was not dry, it was a place of upheaval and desolation. The muddy disarray of the torn up ground felt like a picture of my torn up life. I remembered what I heard my Pastor say. When I partner with God, He will turn my desolation into lush green growth. By myself, I will fail but God’s turf is coming!

And in the afternoon, the turf company, ‘Forever Green’, by the way, transformed my mud pit into a green refuge. 

I had asked God for a fresh encounter with Him. I had asked Him to partner with me to help make my valley of Baca green again. And He did, literally!

My yard is lovely and green, polished even. The desolation of the morning has been transformed into beauty. It is an almost exact representation of the truth of Psalm 84. I began overwhelmed and desolate and I was left in awe of His intensely personal wonder working power on my behalf, like a fresh revelation falling on me, like the rains in Baca. It felt like God was taking my hand and walking with me. He wanted to take me from the barrenness of Baca into a land of green and in doing so, He showed me that in this new land, grief isn’t an enemy. It is a friend and a comfort.

It seems too great a thought to think that God would use something as simple as my yard to show me a tangible picture of what He has for me; that He would use my yard and His Word to confirm His unalienable truths: He is actively in our midst and at work.

Gratefully,

Anne Braudt

February 11, 2024

So I had this amazing prayer session of sorts the other day. I felt God was impressing upon me the need to loosen my grip on sadness and replace it by embracing the joy of this season; To intentionally consider and embrace the joy set before me each time I hold a puppy.

In Isaiah, He tells me to “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, ESV)
Did you know that the word dismayed means a crumbling of courage? I was reminded that I can do hard things because I do them with Jesus who offers me His courage when mine crumbles.

I ended up feeling encouraged, strong and confident. And then I got home.

When I got home, it was a scene of cacophony and mayhem. The pups all had mutinied and had covered themselves and the floor with every imaginable chaotic omnishambling. If that weren’t enough to take me out, I then found that my 16-year-old kitty had passed in a distressing position. My heart, which was so full of promise and courage, began to instantly crumble.

The scene required immense, immediate cleanup and exertion, both emotional and physical. To compound my own internal disarray, my unrelenting, stinging, shingles rash appeared.

All I could do was to cling to the promises of God that came in my prayer session. I repeated them over and over again as I mopped, swept, wiped, buried and mourned.
I focused on the joy set before me…all the little joys set before me at my feet because, even covered in poop, they bring light to my world and shining grace.

It was all really quite amazing. I am invited to serve my extraordinary God Who uses connection with Him to prepare me for what’s coming. He provides all that I do need and all I will need. I CAN do hard things when I do them with Jesus as my focus.

He does accomplish all that concerns me today and every day. Hallelujah! It is a Merry Christ-mas.

CAnnecophony prone,
December, 2023

I have these new puppy dogs fresh from God and I just want to gather them in my arms, all of them, all at once and just take in the sweetness and light that they offer. I want to hold onto it. I want to be it.

I want to make it last, somehow capture it and make it stay. But there is no containing such beauty. It is uncontainable, unfathomable, too deep and wide and high and long for me to fully comprehend. I feel like my brain would explode if I did, my heart already wants to.

The beauty that these puppies represent calls to me and though I cannot fully grasp it, it is a promise. A promise that each encounter with beauty enlarges my capacity for it, making space within me for more. A promise that, one day, I will have room enough to receive the gift of being in the very presence of beauty Himself, Jesus.

So for now, I will sit with the puppy on my chest. I will breathe in and out with the rhythm of the baby and I will wonder at the marvelous gift this tiny little bit gives me by just being beautiful.

Anne
November 5, 2023

August 19, 2023

It has been my privilege and honor to love and be loved by Flynn. My privilege and honor to walk alongside Megan and David and be a witness to their great love and inspired care for their children.
The simple act of being present with them, with Flynn, something I’m having trouble doing today, has opened my already grieving heart to the wonder of gratitude.
Being at his bedside or holding him in my lap and holding his hand, tickling his feet, or running my fingers through his glorious hair, and then most of all being pierced by his smile and his incredible laugh. These are the best parts of a life well lived.

Albert Schweitzer once said:

At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer

Thank you, David and Megan for sharing yourselves and your children with me and our family. Flynn has been a beautiful, spark giving gift to my world.

Flynn my sweet
Your life is a blessing
Your memory a treasure
You are loved beyond words
You are missed beyond measure.

Loving you,

Anne

With Montezuma’s revenge as my souvenir, I returned from Mexico feeling quite diminished. My energy was low. My headaches were high. After a couple weeks, I was getting back to myself when my young friend died.  Now, I would say,

I am extravagantly diminished. 

I am stuck in a land of foreboding, of worry. It’s not like me to worry and so of course this worries me.

I am tempted to think  that I should know how to grieve by now; Know how to move on; maybe even hope to be immune to being stuck. I tell myself the old thought that loving deeply means grieving deeply. Grieving deeply can mean feeling immovable in the sadness. Yes, but it’s more than that.  I can’t seem to feel my future right now and I don’t ever remember feeling this way. In the past, there have always been people and events to look forward to. I just can’t seem to feel them just now. 

When I am alone and left to my own thoughts, I am a hollow vortex of dis-integration almost like my heart is so full it will accept nothing more.

There’s no anger, no questioning, just a pervasive muddling  like I can’t find my way out and wouldn’t have the energy to try even if I could.

I was cooking the other day using a recipe and I went off book but didn’t realize it. It was as if I went somewhere and the part of me that stayed, improvised. 

And so I sleep, alot, and I tell myself that taking care of my friend’s 5 year old has made me tired. I’m out of practice taking care of such high energy beings but that is not my whole story.

I’ve never understood the bond I have with my friend and I haven’t been very involved with her son. He was born and lived during the timing of my grief for Philip, my mom and Shauna. I have been distant, unhelpful, lost in my own trouble. 

I go through the motions of a regular life of connection. I take care of my routine business, appointments, dogs, car, house. I help my friend grieve her child by attempting to be helpful. But when I am not sleeping, when I am alone, I am sad and adrift. 

I sent Joe to his air show with Ricardo. They’ll be gone for a week. I had plans to do a retreat by myself and I was looking forward to it but now I seem to have lost connection to what I once cherished. 

I want to be able to deal with death but each new one shows me a different aspect and I am still so easily knocked off kilter.

And then, as I was watching TV the other day,  God seemed to use the exact dialogue of my life in the Star Trek episode…

Uhura was talking with Kirk.

“I’ve never been able to face death. Everyone has some way of dealing with it, of moving on but I don’t know how. It has gotten so bad that I can’t even look at pictures of my family and the most recent death has just brought it all back again.”

Kirk replies: “Our job puts us against death, more than is fair. We may not like it but we do have to face it. And right now death is winning. It claimed your family. It claimed your friend. It has convinced you to forget them because it’s less painful then holding on to their memories. You can’t let death win. You can fight back and hold on to them.”

I felt a glimmer of hope when I watched that. It seemed like somewhere in there was an answer I was seeking.

It made me visualize the scene as if Jesus and I were Kirk and Uhura. I’ve used something like this in counseling before, a sort of interactive prayer.

We are sitting on a bench overlooking the sunset where we’ve been before. We are having the convo above. Jesus takes my hand and tells me it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. He tells me He’s given me this time to be still because He’s doing a work in me that I would not believe even if I were told. 

“Go gently, be gentle, especially with yourself,” He says, “Do not fear the process. I am with you.”

Somehow, though I still do not feel my future, I do feel better with my now.

Anne

July 26, 2023
A total Eclipse of the Heart playing in the background

We will never be the same
As we were before this loss
But we are ever so much better
For having had someone
So great to Lose.
~Leigh~

A young friend of mine was called home to Jesus today. My heart bucks and fights against the reality. I cry out in pain at the tearing of another sacred bond. I fall to my knees and cower in fear. Thank God He does not leave me there.

John Denver’s Wild Country song comes to mind and beckons my retreat. St. Paul’s Romans 1:20 alongside it.
I run to the wild of Granite Basin Lake. My grandkids and son are happily basking in the cool waters and in the joy of being together. This frees me to seek God’s invisible qualities all around me;
to look up at the granite boulder mountains and the crisp blue sky and choose to be comforted by God’s invisible qualities, by His eternal power and divine nature that can be understood from what has been made. I focus on He, Who calls us home and He, Who holds me up when I cannot stand. He, Who assures me that through the brokenness of this world, through my own brokenness, He will bring beauty.

Somewhere down the broken road, there will be answers for this loss but for right now, I can feel this brokenness because I know my Lord goes before me. I know I am ever so much better for having had someone so great to lose.

Goodbye, sweet Flynn. I imagine that the completeness of your mother’s and father’s love have prepared you well for the love of Jesus Who welcomes you with His shining radiant love this very day.

Loving you,
Anne
July 16, 2023

Romans 1:20
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made.”

To the Wild Country
By John Denver

There are times I fear I lose myself
I don’t know who I am
I get caught up in the struggle and the strain
With my back against a stonewall
My finger in the dam
Losin’ strength and goin’ down again

And I take a look around me
My eyes can’t find the sun
There’s nothing wild as far as I can see
Then my heart turns to Alaska
And freedom on the run
I can hear her spirit callin’ me
To the mountains, I can rest there
To the rivers, I will be strong
To the forest, I’ll find peace there
To the wild country, where I belong

Oh, I know some times I worry
On worldly ways and means
And I can see the future killing me
On a misbegotten highway
Of prophecies and dreams
A road to nowhere and eternity

And I know it’s just changes
Yes, and mankind marchin’ on
I know we can’t live in yesterday
But compared to what we’re losin’
And what it means to me
I’d give my life and throw the rest away

To the mountains, I can rest there
To the rivers, I will be strong
To the forest, I’ll find peace there
To the wild country, where I belong
To the wild country, where I belong.

On my question list for Jesus has always been why mosquitos? Our chocolate hacienda tour guide told us today that there is no chocolate without them. They carry the pollen in their feet and pollinate the cacao flower. Our guide’s name is … Jesus! Cross that off the list!

Our last clinic day. Always bittersweet.

Kelly’s devotion this morning strengthens my own of yesterday. Yahweh Jireh=the Lord will see to it. He asks me to trust His timing. He asks me to be willing to obey. He encourages me to be attentive to His provisions. He does not ask me to figure everything out and assure follow through and completion; those are His jobs. This frees me to be present with each person He brings before me knowing that He will see to the rest.

I watch the pink, blue, green, orange, turquoise and yellow homes with their tree trunk fences fly past my bus window. There are no two the same.

Along the river’s edge, I find lily pad lawns from dried up flooding; The dense tropical growth of the mango, avocado and  white fluffball palm trees are interspersed with the evergreens and alternate with the wide open many colored grass fields: wild, red grasses in the center of tall, maroon, brown and yellow fern stalks. They sway in the wind changing colors with the movement.

I am greeted my the familiar face of my new friend. Gilhenia is what I hear but my triplets, Katya, Karen and Karina Jimenez Leon, write her name as Virginia. She may be short in stature but she is big in personality and grand in smile.  She is full of questions I don’t understand even after I say Hablo espanol poquito… I use all my codes to why don’t you have internet? Did you resign try to convey I haven’t a clue and finally I shrug my shoulders. When she still persists, we walk up the path hand in hand to seek a code talker/interpreter. It turns out I am an examiner after all. What I anticipated was a short chat became a complicated history taking reassurance-giving Convo. Yes, Virginia, you are just fine. 

I know some Spanish and French and Creole, Navajo, Swahili but I have trouble accessing the language placed before me. As a result, I am slow to even say ‘Hola’ or ‘Gracias’ because I am filtering through several other languages. I feel so foolish yet at the same time it makes me imagine heaven.There, I’ll be able to speak whatever language comes out of my mouth and it  will be understood! And, yes Anne, it will be so fine.

Santiago is back and becomes our constant companion again. His shirt reads “Spread your own ideas” and I add: not disease. It becomes our pseudo motto in nutrition.

By day’s end, he will have landed 90 botella flips. We count together and cheer with every one. Joe joins us in the 20’s and soon catches up as the competition heats up. 

Daniella Marcella, who is 4ish, joins us with her unquenchable fire. She begins with cautious watching but commits her whole small self when I offer her a botella of her own. She literally spends every subsequent minute all morning working her skill and mimicking my excitement with each successful landing. I marvel at her persistence and joy.

Early in the day. Virginia’s husband Hector comes to me just as Abraham, a seminary student and one of our interpreters, walks past. I snag Abraham so that he can tell me what Hector needs. It seems that Hector saw one of our examiners yesterday just as Virginia had but Hector had forgotten to mention his sore arm. It seems that Hector had injured his arm sometime in the past and it has continued to hurt every day until now. I assessed it and found a monstrously tight knot, much like those I have on my back which I once named after my oldest boys,  David and Peter. It just so happens that we have a skilled medical student on the team and she has mad skills with relieving muscle pain.  I asked her to fit Hector in.  She was very busy all day but right at the end of our day, I brought long-suffering Hector to her and after only  a few minutes, the knot was released and Virginia was taught how to intervene in the future. Hector was so pleased he found me to tell me, in rapid, excited Spanish, how grateful he was. It was a sweet way to end our clinic time in Mexico.

Strength for today (bright hope for tomorrow): Strategic. I have been made with a distinct way of thinking; a special perspective on the world. An ability to sort through the clutter to find the best route. This is my strategy.  I sort through the events of my day with the strategic goal of seeing God’s hand and His perspective on my life.      

My heart  begins to sing. It takes me a moment but I recognize it:

Firm Foundation

“Christ is my firm foundation,
The Rock on which I stand,
when everything around me is shaken,
I’ve never been more glad
that I put my faith in jesus
because he’s never let me down.
He’s faithful through generations
so why would he fail now?
He won’t!”

I sent this song to Ari, pre-trip, to soften the voices of the naysayers in her life. I guess it has become the anthem of our trip.

We drive our two hours and return to our church from yesterday. 

I’m sitting in my family room again, as I did yesterday. My same family members haunt the hallways in the forms of my Mexican amigos. I am no longer invisible as they recognize me with grand smiles and endearing Buenos Dias. Benny is a thirty something handsome man wearing his signature red baseball hat and I learn his name today. His smile is outrageously sparkling and he welcomes me back with a vigorous handshake. It is later that I realize he reminds me of Philip.

This church family is lovely to watch as they care for one another. There are hugs and slaps on the back for everyone including myself.

Joe and I run our station like a well oiled machine. I welcome every patient with a smile and a blood pressure and he takes over from there. I am a bit surprised to realize that I am actually missing doing exams. When I began the trip, I felt so inadequate but as is so often the case, God calls me to be willing and when I say yes, in spite of my fear, I rarely have to do the thing I dread. Today, He has replaced dread with longing and that makes me kind of laugh. He knew, as Kelly did, that I have nothing to fear when God is doing the equipping.

Mi amigos, Santiago and Susanna, have returned today and they eagerly transfer over to mi loco nino, Joe. Water bottle flipping challenges go on all day. 

There are a set of teenage triplets running registration. Two of the three do the paperwork and one organizes the line. I’ve noticed the two paperwork doers fold the papers in opposite directions. I find that fascinating. When they ran out of forms, they each had a different idea about how to get me to understand this. One ran off to retrieve an actual form, one spoke rapid Spanish detailing the need and the third folded an imaginary paper in the air and put it in a bag. The last one beat the runner and we retrieved some more forms.

Our local, lovely gatekeeper of the door to clinic, Socorro, laughs and smiles at me every time I enter. She catches me savoring a moment in front of an electric fan and giggles. It becomes our thing to watch each other and it is a highlight of my day.

I felt a bit isolated from the team in our down the path locale, but somehow closer to this church community who seem to have made me a part of them. The cook took my face in her hands and kissed my cheeks saying something about manana.  Yes, indeed, until manana!

BHWB, MexicAnne