I am boarding my first plane of several on my way to Tanzania, East Africa with Zoehopeglobal.com. Come along with me. I’ll be writing every day and posting when I am able.
This is a note I sent to a struggling friend, who has inspired me with her beauty as you also do:
Have you ever considered that you create beauty within others by simply being beautiful?
I believe that God wants to create beauty in each of us. This beauty truly begins with belief and continues our whole lives.
The beauty He calls us to is too great for our finite minds, so He creates it a little bit at a time with each day we encounter. He woos us to enter His beauty right where we are with the bag of troubles we have on our laps, and He promises to redeem all of it. He uses all that this world throws at us to make room within us so that His beauty can live there.
As Ephesians 3:14 tells us, He strengthens us in our inner beings through the power of His Holy Spirit so that Jesus can live at home in our hearts. And we will have been so enlarged by His work that we will be able to take in all the beauty that He is. It is then when His work within us is done, that we will live at home in His heart in heaven.
Even now, He is using your story to enlarge mine so that one day, I will be able to grasp how high, deep, wide, and long is the love of Jesus for me, us. (Ephesians 3:18-19)
How marvelous that He is creating beauty in me because you have chosen to be beautiful in Him.
My fear this morning has an almost magnetic quality, pulling me toward it, spiderwebbing me into its lair. I frantically search through all my wiles in an effort to push it away. I am desperate to bring a sense of my own power to my powerlessness as it ramps up and threatens to be my undoing.
Like a biological imperative, I want only to escape. My expanding tear soaked anxiety bubbles up from my chest into my throat, choking off my words. It wants to erupt and blast my tension out into the room in a sort of frenzied attempt to control the fear through lack of control. I am a whirling dervish of quivering, as I vomit my angst on the floor.
I thank God that He does not leave me there, quivering and alone! Instead, He comes to the point of my need and whispers beneath my angst. “Shh, Do not fear for I AM with you.” He softly continues: “My promises are true!” “I AM a very present help in time of trouble!” “I will deliver you .. you need not fear the terror of the night for I cover you; My faithfulness will be your shield.”
He is kind and reassuring. His voice rises as my fear retreats and He declares, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” “I promise,” He adds.
I sit huddled allowing His truth the sink in. And as my tilting world comes back to center, I find I can breathe deeply once again. Calming, He sends me to Genesis 28:20-22 and leaves His closing to Mr. Pink:
“May the God of Grace enlarge our hearts to receive His grace and may He empower us to magnify His grace by refusing to defile it with any of our own wretched additions.” (like fear and all it’s adjacents, I add.) *A.W. Pink* (Gleanings in Genesis, p253)
I am in Vegas and for the first time I am not being overwhelmed with the oppressive sadness of the always inside, artificial, recycled, false hope giving, substitutional beauty and emptiness of it all.
It is an incredible lightness of being. To smile at those who are with and around me. To marvel at all the vibrant colors, shapes and sizes of the people and buildings. To be present … I am aware of this obvious change in me but not how it came to be. I can’t seem to put my finger on how I am different than I once was.
As we were roaming the last days of the Mirage with all its garden splendor, my friend told me she read my book. She asked me where I find Jesus in Vegas. It took me several conversations to finish my answer because there was so much vying for our attention.
There was a constant stream of people hoping for a last big payout promised by the closing casino. The few slot machines left were claimed by the hearty who showed no signs of leaving as they pressed on. It appeared that each machine would go blank and shut down once it vomited up its prize. So many were already dark and abandoned, slot machines and players alike.
A wandering woman, in both body and expression, walked by us several times. She wore a lovely Derby worthy dress with flowers sewn into the neck line. I admired it every time she passed and finally stopped to tell her how lovely she looked. Her face transformed as only being caught being beautiful can do. It was like her inner light sparked on. She passed several times more with that same smile and nod.
I told my friend that in my experience of loss and trauma, any place of destitution, be it a tragedy, trauma or a place like Vegas, Jesus can be found in the unexpected kindnesses we encounter. He is always especially there. The times of simplicity when our downward gaze is lifted up and off of ourselves. The times when we feel seen for who we are, valued and beautiful.
God uses these sometimes interruptive times to woo us to Him, bringing us to the choice we are always given. Will we choose His fresh, authentic, hopeful beauty or turn our eyes to the artificial, fleeting promise of self sufficiency as we look elsewhere for meaning. So my answer to her question: Where do I find Jesus in self-acclaimed Sin City? I look for the light of kindness. He is always there.
As I finished what I considered was my inadequately presented theology, my friend summarized my words. “So it’s like what you did with that woman.”
She stunned me with her words and I was even a bit disoriented. My attention had been focused on giving a thoughtful response. I had not expected my words to be validated so immediately and certainly not by my own self. It took a moment for it to sink in. My unexpected kindness to the woman became an unexpected kindness for myself. It was now I who smiled and nodded. My friend had heard not only my words but had seen my heart as well. It’s the ripple effect of a sort. I feel seen and valued which then empowers me to see and value others. This is the way of Jesus.
I’m ready to be home until I sit by the lake. I sit in the breezing under the towering, sweet smelling trees with their concert of fluttering leaves and their sign language clapping in agreement of this glorious day.
I breathe in the clarity. I delight in the trilling birdsong and I rest in the beauty of my I AM.
Rock Pond did not go as I had hoped though I did not realize I had hoped for anything until it was over.
It seems I had been hoping for resolution and rest; a sort of satisfaction in the letting go and the taking up of the shared memories of my exceptional people with my exceptional people.
I had hoped that I might put at ease my inner stirring for meaning by the leaving behind ofà commemorations for each of them.
I had hoped to embrace Mr. Emerson’s apt eulogy and speak it into the breezing of this pond of childhood memories:
“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
But I was only one of many and a public speaker I have never been so I will sit here and redeem those hopes.
I arrived late having chosen Robert Frost’s Road not taken. My body betraying me with each labored breath and rib entanglement, though I did find many natural wonders along the way
I would have liked more time to wander and feel and be. To look for Mr. Rabbit’s home as I did so long ago with 5 year old Scott and place his plaque above it in gratitude for his life.
To find the large rock I decided was the pond’s namesake and watch, again, as Ross and Todd? set up an overnight fishing line they would never retrieve.
To come alongside my Mama and observe with horror as she removed each porcupine quill from docile Muffin who knew his only salvation would come from her hands.
To look up and see my Dad with his blue bucket hat and walking stick. I imagine now how he most assuredly had a depth and richness of an inner life he shared only in the quoting of his beloved artists and writers. It would please him that Sally and I took the road less taken to get here even if it did cause worry and panic among the ranks.
Here’s to you, Daddie Man, you were never an island though I often wonder if you thought you were. I am so pleased to have joined in the bringing of your continent, your community, back to this place, again in gratitude for your life and the life of our boys.
Here’s to you Mrs. Robinson who made it all possible.
And here’s to us:
Braudt’s, Callahan’s, Carbonaro’s, Heimerle’s, Herrmann’s, Hoover’s, Knox, Kuras’ and Robinson’s.
It is good to be under the towering, sweet breezy covering of our family tree.
The pups awoke this morning with a vivid jig in their step somehow knowing it was cool and breezy outside, their favorite kind of day. By the time I got to the living room, they had torn apart a pillow and along with my fur lined luxury tile, there were mounds of fluff from the pillow, a cacophony of mayhem. I knew a muddy day was in our future because that kind of energy cannot be contained. It was clearly a stark, unavoidable necessity for which, fortunately, I had ample time.
On this overcast, breezy day I took the dogs to the water. Usko, who was born a light golden sweet color, was soon striped and smeared with the dark sticky muck of the canal, unrecognizable from the pale yellow in which he arrived. There is icky and then there is the deep odiferous wallow of the bottom dwelling muck, icky. The ride home would be an all windows down sort of affair.
They galloped through the shallow water with their matchless vigor and delight. Biting and tussling with one another, multitasking as only a pack of puppies can do. The glee of their movements was contagious and invigorating.
Eventually, it came time to disem”bark”. I should learn not to wait until I am done before I pack them up because the energy to pack them up undoes all that went before. Like exhausted toddlers, they resisted arrest as they went running toward the car home and then passed it in pursuit of their newfound semi truck prey.
But it’s all good, like Steinbeck once said, “I knew they had made me feel better and surer.” despite of the prospect of the demudifying to come.
There are these two remarkable women in my life whom I admire as I marvel at how they can keep such a lovely, ordered home. Hard as I try, I cannot achieve, let alone maintain, one. There is dirt and dust and disrepair everywhere, even before puppies. I can barely manage the clutter alone. True, complete cleaning seems unachievable for me. I have to put up boundaries to avoid getting lost in the minutiae because there is always more to clean.
And the messiness extends beyond my physical house. My body is a mess, unpredictable and difficult at times. Headaches, pains, GI spontaneity at the most inconvenient times.
My mind is a close third of a mess. Messy relationships, grief, the unrelenting, erratic complications of being and the compounding cluttering of my state of mind…
Thank God I am not left alone in this disarray of a life. My God is a God Who chose this messiness so He could walk alongside me in mine; so that He could redeem my mess and turn it into His beauty.
My life mimics His work. I’m unable to clean myself enough, like my house, but He does not require me to succeed in that. He only asks me to believe that He can. I am clean the moment I believe Jesus. Once I believe, He tidies up my life one erratic complication of being at a time, creating beauty in me.
Like He told Peter in John 13:10, “Those who have had a bath need only wash their feet; their whole body is clean.”
My earthly house will never be as clean as I might want, but my life is being renewed with each cry of my heart for His provision. He promises beauty will emerge from this mess and He always keeps His promises. Thank God!
Anne/JCIM
April, 2024
8 Jesus answered, ” unless I wash you, you have no part with me.” 9 ” Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well.” 10 Jesus answered,” those who have had a bath need only wash their feet; their whole body is clean.”
“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen”. Ephesians 3: 20-21
The girl woke up with an oppressive headache and a more oppressive, depressive irritation in her core. She wanted to crawl out of her skin, to run and hide until the fury within her passed. She was going to hide in her bed where the world would be safe from her, but instead she decided to go with her original plan despite the inner turmoil. She decided to go to the zoo.
In her past, she had been known to take a time out from life by visiting her local zoo. She decided to ‘resurrect’ this idea in these days before Easter.
Her church was taking time for prayer and fasting. Abstain to obtain: Abstaining from something with the goal of obtaining something. She was encouraged to be creative.
Her goal for Lent, she decided, was to intentionally abstain from seeking comfort in food in order to obtain comfort in Jesus, her only true Comforter.
Today was a spectacular day to begin as she woke up in a thoroughly uncomforting state which progressively worsened. There seemed to be so many inconvenient truths blocking her way. She almost pivoted back to bed.
When she got to the zoo, it was a sunny, clear day. This was a happy place bustling with activity as excited laughter and joy rose up from the crowd. She intended to walk the zoo with worship music in her ears to seek God’s face in the midst of her unrest. Her earbuds, however, wouldn’t cooperate so she begrudgingly added this to her growing pile of muck and instead chose to concentrate on the birdsong instead.
After a bit of a walk, she found a bench in the shade of a Palo Verde tree in front of the Condor exhibit. The birdsong wasn’t helping and she was admittedly heavy with complaint, frustration and tears.
“What is happening in this ridiculous life of mine?” She cried out to God.
“I’m trying to seek Your face and all I encounter are blockades.”
After a series of deep breaths, she decided on a different tactic. She began to pray for her family, thinking she perhaps needed a focus off of herself. She turned to the Scripture of the day: Ephesians 3:20-21. It had been a prayer of hers for years so she began repeating it.
A series of families of all shapes and sizes paraded past her and the condors. Many commented on the somewhat unattractiveness of the birds but they were especially interested in the wingspan of the condor. There was a display where you could measure your own wingspan against that of the condor’s. She watched as most of the families did.
Though she did not turn, she became acutely aware of the shade tree behind her. It was like a picture of the wingspan of the condor, or more specifically, she realized, the wingspan of Jesus. Jesus Who was backing her up despite her feeling like a somewhat unattractive bird herself.
She began to pray.
“Like a condor’s wingspan, You, Lord, strengthen my own wingspan by adding Your mighty shadow to mine. In this way, You strengthen me in ways I could not ask for or imagine.”
She looked up just as a condor whose wings had been tightly folded, opened wide its wingspan displaying its endangered species number for all to see. He stood proudly unmoving in his stance.
She continued her prayer, lifting her arms heavenward, mimicking the bird.
“You, Lord, strengthen my wingspan as You number me among Your children just as the condors are numbered. And just as these condors before me raise their wings, so do I raise mine and surrender to Your power to comfort.”
Her inward change was subtle at first. The birdsong became louder as unseen birds seemed to join the chorus. A gentle breeze fluttered her papers and the leaves of the trees all around. And then, almost imperceptibly, she felt the weight of the muck of her angst being lifted. Lifted by the strong wings of His comfort as He, once again, claimed her as His own.
Psalm 91 popped into her head:
He will cover you with his feathers. Under his wings you will find refuge is faithfulness is a shield and a rampart
Psalm 91
From tightly wound to opened wide, this is the miracle of seeking first His kingdom, she thought.
It has been a positively spectacular day after all.
Someone close to me has decided that I am not a fit role model for his kids. Though I have tried to understand his concerns, he prefers to hold on to his belief and avoid our relationship.
The loss of relationship with him and the kids deeply saddens me.
Each time I think we are making progress, I am confounded and wounded. It’s a woundedness that runs deep. This struggle often consumes my thoughts, keeping me up at night.
This happened again last Thursday. I struggled to bring my sack of roiling emotions to God and I was caught in the circling thoughts of my powerlessness and regret. In my inability to surrender and release it to Him, I felt like a disappointment to everyone, including Jesus.
Until that night, my church had a Worship night. The first song is below:
Holy Spirit
There’s nothing worth more
That will ever come close
Nothing can compare
You’re our living hope
Your presence, Lord.
I’ve tasted and seen
Of the sweetest of love
When my heart becomes free
And my shame is undone
Your presence, Lord.
Holy spirit, You are welcome here
Come flood this place
And fill the atmosphere.
Your glory God
Is what our hearts longs for
To be overcome
By Your presence, Lord
Holy Spirit, sung by Jesus Culture
Jesus spoke directly to the point of my need. His glory: His presence and His character, is what my heart longs for in all my cycling, messy pain that was trying to overcome my reality.
My need? To be overcome by Your presence, Lord; only then can my heart become free and my circling feelings of shame undone; undone by the truth of Your presence instead by the lies of my circumstances.
And overcome me He did. It was like I was washed clean of my mess, all my angst and shame hollowed out like a butternut squash. The power of the struggle was broken and replaced with soft, beautiful color.
The song to follow was: Praise
I’ll praise when I’m sure,
I’ll praise when I’m doubting,
I’ll praise went outnumbered,
I’ll praise when surrounded,
‘Cause praise is the water
My enemies’ drown in…
Praise sung by Elevation Worship
To praise means to focus on Jesus and away from my turmoil. It is a weapon that drowns out the voices of the enemies of my faith and joy. My cycle of turmoil can be broken and replaced with His peace which, by the way, He promises will surpass my understanding.
And then on Sunday, the sermon mimicked my Thursday night release. The visiting Pastor said:
When troubles come, it is easy to stop listening to God, but it is then that we must recognize God’s working. When facing struggle, He uses it to call us to a greater depth of obedience which will result in obtaining a richer connection with Him.
The Pastor continued with Daniel 3:16:
16 Shadrack, Meshack and Abednego replied to him,”King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if He does not, we want you to know, your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
Daniel 3:16-18
Neither do I need to defend myself in my matter. It is my God, Whom I serve, Who is able to deliver me with His truth.
He went on with 2 Chronicles 20: 15,17:
20:15 ” Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s… 17 You will not have to fight this battle.
2 Chronicles 20:15,17
The King’s army focused on God, and in effect, drowned the enemy in praise while God fought the battle. His abundant blessing followed their obedience.
This battle is not mine to fight. It is the Lord’s. I do not have to fight it in my powerlessness because my powerful God goes before me.
How marvelous! As I tell God my struggle and release it to Him in praise, I deny the enemy access to my body, mind and spirit. It is through this remarkable process, that God takes care of it all as He creates a deeper connection with Him.
Tripping with God: Stories of Faith and Inspiration 